Maybe I am done writing. I am not sure. I am sure that I am out of words. I am sure that I am not ready to make new memories just yet. I am also sure that I have exasperated all of my options of having my love love me again. I owe a ton of thank yous to everyone who has helped me on my journey. All of your encouragement. All of your support. I am sure I will need it in the future, but for now I step away. I step away with leaving words for him should he read them ten years from now, and so that I may have them to reflect on in my bad days. That was the whole point of this blog to remind me of how I feel and to never let it go. To never lose sight of how incredibly happy I was, and how incredibly stupid I was. To remind me that I can fully be my own enemy, and that the cost is one I need to realize. I need to be my biggest supporter and trust in the love someone gives me when they show it. It is ok to be scared, but it is not ok to outright fear what is there to save you. May you all never have to pay the price that the four of us had to pay. Let my heart open and exposed be a warning to all of you. True love exists. When you find it, you owe the universe to let it in and to trust it; and also to return it. I promise your life will never be the same if you don’t listen to what I say on that. When you find it, people of envy and jealousness will appear at every turn you take. Shut those people out, at all costs. If you don’t, the cost will be all yours; not theirs. Don’t harm because you feel harmed, two wrongs are just exactly that. Mend the one wrong and leave it at that. Wrongs are going to occur. Be a grown up and forgive them. Be the bigger person and you will be grateful that you did. Have pride in your love, but don’t let pride stand in the way of honoring the one you love.
I spoke yesterday that the things that mattered between he and I were that things that he did for me, not to me. Let this serve as a small list of all of the daily things that I miss.I say small because I couldn’t possibly remember every good thing he ever did for me. They don’t feel small when they hit you, and you miss these tiny moments. These moments that seemed tiny, because you overlooked that the world lied in these tiny moments that made up what was your life. Each piece beautiful. Each piece needed. Each piece held together all that you had. One gone, is just as well as all of them being gone. Tiny atoms that fill your sphere, your world.
Things I love and miss about you.
The first hit just as fast as my feet hit the floor to get ready this morning. I went to put on my necklace (which I am not wearing) I couldn’t get it because my nails are too long.
I used to lay my head on your chest while you reached your arms around me to buckle my necklace. Your breath would be on my neck, and you would spin it back around so gently, and kiss my forehead and hug me. I never even had to ask you. You saw me pick up my necklace and you were right there to help. Such tender small moments.
I miss every time I went to the car and you would run around to the other side to not only open the door for me, but to close it behind me as well.
I miss bickering with you that you would never let me carry anything into the house. You’d yell at me “get your ass in the house.” you would be carrying so much stuff that I couldn’t even see your legs, but you didn’t want me helping. You wanted to do it for me. It always irritated me, but I also found it to be amazingly cute. (Yes amazing)
I miss waking up to pee 500 times, even in your dead sleep you would wake up and come sit with me and run the water. This was a little thing you started doing in your last time home. It was so sweet and showed how much you cared for me.
I miss doing pull ups at the gym with your hand planted firmly on my ass telling me how beautiful I was and that you “never gave a fuck about an ass before me.” sometimes you would try to stick your finger in my ass while doing it just to make me laugh.
I miss that when we went in the gym, you always walked over to my side of the car to make sure I was safe from cars. You held my hand all the way in, and again, wouldn’t let me carry anything.
I miss us making fun of different people at the gym and having our own life of inside jokes. ol drippy.
I miss how everyone at the gym stared at us with admiration, and a little bit of jealousy. You couldn’t squeeze a particle of dust between the two of us.
I miss how you used to text me if you woke up and I wasn’t in bed. Telling me that you missed me and that you couldn’t sleep without me, and to please to come back to bed. The answer was always yes.
I miss how you used to leave me a note everyday about how much you loved me. It is how I knew if you were mad at me, I would just about run to the bathroom like it was Christmas morning and pray that there would be one. It tore me to pieces the days that they weren’t there. It was something I grew to need from you.
I miss the times that you dropped everything to come to be with me and Addy in the hospital. Especially 3/17/14. You came so many times, out of your way. You came and checked on us while we slept and left me notes in case I awoke. Notes I still have. When I awoke, you were there. There for me more than anyone had ever been.
I miss the trips that we took. The fun that you and I had on our own in Atlantic city, what little we could find there. It didn’t matter where we were. We were all the world that we needed. I love that we made love in every inch of that hotel room. I love that you stole a spoon for peanut butter, and hid it in MY bag. I love that you took me down to the beach to try to have a romantic moment and all we could do was laugh as we passed dead birds and tires on the shore. The picture we took at 6 am that morning is still my favorite picture of you and me.
I love that you danced with me for hours at my best friend’s wedding when you told me you wouldn’t. Further into that, I love that you helped me scramble at the last minute to get my dress straight. I loved that you got jealous every time Steven came near me. I loved that you even went in the first place, knowing that it may have caused you problems.
I miss singing in the car with you, and you making fun of my country music. I love that you always turned down the bass because I said something about it when it was loud during one song. I loved that you would try not to have me listen to your Irish music, because you said no one would like that but you, even when I told you I loved it. I would listen to it when I drove your truck. I love when you would sing the songs to me and then explain to me what they meant. The passion you felt for it. Over the top amazing.
I love how you used to get dressed in the dark, even though I told you I wouldn’t wake up.
I love how you used to try to sneak in and not wake Addison and me. I would always snicker as you came up the stairs; you were a lot of things but quiet was never one of them.
I love that you had no problem giving Addison a bath, or changing her diaper, or feeding her. I never even had to ask, you made it a point to step up to help with her. I loved that you loved her.
I loved how much we were able to take her to go do, because you could physically do with her what I can’t. I took her to Archdale to a park a few weeks ago and just cried because she kept pointing to all the the slides and swings and I couldn’t take her on any of them. I loved that you gave to her what I never could.
I miss staying up sleepy eyed talking to you, you telling me to go to sleep, but not really wanting me to.
I miss the random in depth conversations that we would have about nothing and everything all at the same time.
I miss how we would just watch youtube, first you would play and song for me and then me you. They were songs that we were playing because it was how we felt about each other. Things that could be best explained through the feeling of a song.
I loved that music meant as much to you as it does me.
I miss how you would never let me take the garbage out.
I miss how you always left water all over the bathroom floor and I would about bust my ass.
I love how you had to have the toilet paper one way.
I love that we shared the same towel, same soap, and sometimes the same toothbrush. I would never do that with anyone.
I loved that you would show me movies that I had never seen, and I love that some of them were so atrocious, but you would laugh so hard that it would crack me up. “they said you was hung”
I love when you made some of the most hilarious jokes and would crack yourself up to no end; “survey says!” you laughed for at least ten minutes. Tears streaming down your face. Beautiful.
I love that you were like another child when we would go places. You and Addison would just leave me and I couldn’t even be mad. The love and joy on both your faces showed me that I was the one missing all of the fun, and that it was ok to be a child sometimes. To let go.
I love that you always got me little prizes. Shoes, pocket books, Fitbit, phone cases, etc. Little things to show me that you cared when you were unsure how to show it. We both were. We were both so new to actually caring for someone more than ourselves.
I loved how you supported me and listened to me anytime I needed an ear (I know I didn’t always do the same)
I love how you would pull my hair exactly perfect.
I loved how your skin felt on my own.
I loved how your single breath shot chill bumps all over my entire body.
I love that you found me sexy in no matter what I wore.
I love that you tore off most everything I ever wore.
I loved the look in your eye when you looked at me. There were no words needed. There was nothing but love in your eyes when you looked at me.
I loved the way your hand went perfectly on my throat, never hurting me, just showing me that you had the power over me, and that you would never use that power to hurt me.
I loved how you would smack my ass so hard that it would bleed, and that you would take pictures of it.
I loved how you would always put your hand behind my head to make sure that it didn’t hit the wall (or floor, or door, shower wall, stairs)
I love how you always had a different perspective on things. We were so very different, but in a complimenting way. That was the gorgeous thing about us.
I love how you taught me to eat better. To feel better. I love how you would never let me make smoothies because you said my smoothies sucked.
I love that most of the time you had no problem telling me exactly how you felt.
I love that you kept things from me, not out of a malicious place, but out of a place of not wanting to hurt me.
I could go on for days, and I will probably add to this as my life extends.
Let me just say that I love that I sent you an email in February to tell you that I was leaving. I didn’t want to be here any longer without you. That I wanted to tell you how I felt. That I loved you and that I would miss you and Addy only. I love that you came to me; it was not what expected at all. You had never come to me before. You came to me, and you saved me. You gave me a life that I had dreamed of. You gave me everything I had ever prayed for as a little girl, and you gave my little girl a reason to keep dreaming. That the world contains people like you. That for whatever time we are blessed with them, to know it. I love you so very much, and know that daily you are in our life stitched into so much. You will never be forgotten, and you will only be remembered for what you did for us, not to us. That is how I have remembered you for two months.
Life was not a life until I met you. That second at brookwood. The second your eyes met mine, a fire started in me, and it has never gone out. I pray it never does. It is, quite frankly, the only thing that gets me out of bed. To greet these tiny memories. To feel love, to remember ecstasy.