“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.”

Maybe I am done writing. I am not sure. I am sure that I am out of words. I am sure that I am not ready to make new memories just yet. I am also sure that I have exasperated all of my options of having my love love me again. I owe a ton of thank yous to everyone who has helped me on my journey. All of your encouragement. All of your support. I am sure I will need it in the future, but for now I step away. I step away with leaving words for him should he read them ten years from now, and so that I may have them to reflect on in my bad days. That was the whole point of this blog to remind me of how I feel and to never let it go. To never lose sight of how incredibly happy I was, and how incredibly stupid I was. To remind me that I can fully be my own enemy, and that the cost is one I need to realize. I need to be my biggest supporter and trust in the love someone gives me when they show it. It is ok to be scared, but it is not ok to outright fear what is there to save you. May you all never have to pay the price that the four of us had to pay. Let my heart open and exposed be a warning to all of you. True love exists. When you find it, you owe the universe to let it in and to trust it; and also to return it. I promise your life will never be the same if you don’t listen to what I say on that. When you find it, people of envy and jealousness will appear at every turn you take. Shut those people out, at all costs. If you don’t, the cost will be all yours; not theirs. Don’t harm because you feel harmed, two wrongs are just exactly that. Mend the one wrong and leave it at that. Wrongs are going to occur. Be a grown up and forgive them. Be the bigger person and you will be grateful that you did. Have pride in your love, but don’t let pride stand in the way of honoring the one you love.

I spoke yesterday that the things that mattered between he and I were that things that he did for me, not to me. Let this serve as a small list of all of the daily things that I miss.I say small because I couldn’t possibly remember every good thing he ever did for me. They don’t feel small when they hit you, and you miss these tiny moments. These moments that seemed tiny, because you overlooked that the world lied in these tiny moments that made up what was your life. Each piece beautiful. Each piece needed. Each piece held together all that you had. One gone, is just as well as all of them being gone. Tiny atoms that fill your sphere, your world.

Things I love and miss about you.

The first hit just as fast as my feet hit the floor to get ready this morning. I went to put on my necklace (which I am not wearing) I couldn’t get it because my nails are too long.

I used to lay my head on your chest while you reached your arms around me to buckle my necklace. Your breath would be on my neck, and you would spin it back around so gently, and kiss my forehead and hug me. I never even had to ask you. You saw me pick up my necklace and you were right there to help. Such tender small moments.

I miss every time I went to the car and you would run around to the other side to not only open the door for me, but to close it behind me as well.

I miss bickering with you that you would never let me carry anything into the house. You’d yell at me “get your ass in the house.” you would be carrying so much stuff that I couldn’t even see your legs, but you didn’t want me helping. You wanted to do it for me. It always irritated me, but I also found it to be amazingly cute. (Yes amazing)

I miss waking up to pee 500 times, even in your dead sleep you would wake up and come sit with me and run the water. This was a little thing you started doing in your last time home. It was so sweet and showed how much you cared for me.

I miss doing pull ups at the gym with your hand planted firmly on my ass telling me how beautiful I was and that you “never gave a fuck about an ass before me.” sometimes you would try to stick your finger in my ass while doing it just to make me laugh.

I miss that when we went in the gym, you always walked over to my side of the car to make sure I was safe from cars. You held my hand all the way in, and again, wouldn’t let me carry anything.

I miss us making fun of different people at the gym and having our own life of inside jokes. ol drippy.

I miss how everyone at the gym stared at us with admiration, and a little bit of jealousy. You couldn’t squeeze a particle of dust between the two of us.
I miss how you used to text me if you woke up and I wasn’t in bed. Telling me that you missed me and that you couldn’t sleep without me, and to please to come back to bed. The answer was always yes.
I miss how you used to leave me a note everyday about how much you loved me. It is how I knew if you were mad at me, I would just about run to the bathroom like it was Christmas morning and pray that there would be one. It tore me to pieces the days that they weren’t there. It was something I grew to need from you.
I miss the times that you dropped everything to come to be with me and Addy in the hospital. Especially 3/17/14. You came so many times, out of your way. You came and checked on us while we slept and left me notes in case I awoke. Notes I still have. When I awoke, you were there. There for me more than anyone had ever been.
I miss the trips that we took. The fun that you and I had on our own in Atlantic city, what little we could find there. It didn’t matter where we were. We were all the world that we needed. I love that we made love in every inch of that hotel room. I love that you stole a spoon for peanut butter, and hid it in MY bag. I love that you took me down to the beach to try to have a romantic moment and all we could do was laugh as we passed dead birds and tires on the shore. The picture we took at 6 am that morning is still my favorite picture of you and me.
I love that you danced with me for hours at my best friend’s wedding when you told me you wouldn’t. Further into that, I love that you helped me scramble at the last minute to get my dress straight. I loved that you got jealous every time Steven came near me. I loved that you even went in the first place, knowing that it may have caused you problems.
I miss singing in the car with you, and you making fun of my country music. I love that you always turned down the bass because I said something about it when it was loud during one song. I loved that you would try not to have me listen to your Irish music, because you said no one would like that but you, even when I told you I loved it. I would listen to it when I drove your truck. I love when you would sing the songs to me and then explain to me what they meant. The passion you felt for it. Over the top amazing.
I love how you used to get dressed in the dark, even though I told you I wouldn’t wake up.
I love how you used to try to sneak in and not wake Addison and me. I would always snicker as you came up the stairs; you were a lot of things but quiet was never one of them.
I love that you had no problem giving Addison a bath, or changing her diaper, or feeding her. I never even had to ask, you made it a point to step up to help with her. I loved that you loved her.
I loved how much we were able to take her to go do, because you could physically do with her what I can’t. I took her to Archdale to a park a few weeks ago and just cried because she kept pointing to all the the slides and swings and I couldn’t take her on any of them. I loved that you gave to her what I never could.
I miss staying up sleepy eyed talking to you, you telling me to go to sleep, but not really wanting me to.
I miss the random in depth conversations that we would have about nothing and everything all at the same time.
I miss how we would just watch youtube, first you would play and song for me and then me you. They were songs that we were playing because it was how we felt about each other. Things that could be best explained through the feeling of a song.
I loved that music meant as much to you as it does me.
I miss how you would never let me take the garbage out.
I miss how you always left water all over the bathroom floor and I would about bust my ass.
I love how you had to have the toilet paper one way.
I love that we shared the same towel, same soap, and sometimes the same toothbrush. I would never do that with anyone.
I loved that you would show me movies that I had never seen, and I love that some of them were so atrocious, but you would laugh so hard that it would crack me up. “they said you was hung”
I love when you made some of the most hilarious jokes and would crack yourself up to no end; “survey says!” you laughed for at least ten minutes. Tears streaming down your face. Beautiful.
I love that you were like another child when we would go places. You and Addison would just leave me and I couldn’t even be mad. The love and joy on both your faces showed me that I was the one missing all of the fun, and that it was ok to be a child sometimes. To let go.
I love that you always got me little prizes. Shoes, pocket books, Fitbit, phone cases, etc. Little things to show me that you cared when you were unsure how to show it. We both were. We were both so new to actually caring for someone more than ourselves.
I loved how you supported me and listened to me anytime I needed an ear (I know I didn’t always do the same)
I love how you would pull my hair exactly perfect.
I loved how your skin felt on my own.
I loved how your single breath shot chill bumps all over my entire body.
I love that you found me sexy in no matter what I wore.
I love that you tore off most everything I ever wore.
I loved the look in your eye when you looked at me. There were no words needed. There was nothing but love in your eyes when you looked at me.
I loved the way your hand went perfectly on my throat, never hurting me, just showing me that you had the power over me, and that you would never use that power to hurt me.
I loved how you would smack my ass so hard that it would bleed, and that you would take pictures of it.
I loved how you would always put your hand behind my head to make sure that it didn’t hit the wall (or floor, or door, shower wall, stairs)
I love how you always had a different perspective on things. We were so very different, but in a complimenting way. That was the gorgeous thing about us.
I love how you taught me to eat better. To feel better. I love how you would never let me make smoothies because you said my smoothies sucked.
I love that most of the time you had no problem telling me exactly how you felt.
I love that you kept things from me, not out of a malicious place, but out of a place of not wanting to hurt me.
I could go on for days, and I will probably add to this as my life extends.
Let me just say that I love that I sent you an email in February to tell you that I was leaving. I didn’t want to be here any longer without you. That I wanted to tell you how I felt. That I loved you and that I would miss you and Addy only. I love that you came to me; it was not what expected at all. You had never come to me before. You came to me, and you saved me. You gave me a life that I had dreamed of. You gave me everything I had ever prayed for as a little girl, and you gave my little girl a reason to keep dreaming. That the world contains people like you. That for whatever time we are blessed with them, to know it. I love you so very much, and know that daily you are in our life stitched into so much. You will never be forgotten, and you will only be remembered for what you did for us, not to us. That is how I have remembered you for two months.
Life was not a life until I met you. That second at brookwood. The second your eyes met mine, a fire started in me, and it has never gone out. I pray it never does. It is, quite frankly, the only thing that gets me out of bed. To greet these tiny memories. To feel love, to remember ecstasy.

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And all i had to do was open my eyes to see you. I continue on as the blind leading no one.

A catalog of thoughts, blessings, curses, short comings, and beliefs. Please excuse the poor quality, slobbering mess by the end.

The quest to find yourself can end in many ways. Mine ended with; hey I am like my old self. Horray. And then it was time to dig deeper. I am back to me, but what the fuck happened to you to get you down to where you’d trade all of your mirrors for a smile.

This is my (MY) collection of my last year. You know what, I don’t need to go back a year. That was a bad time. Let’s just start from somewhere applicable. Yeah, that’s good. I am/was/am again very career driven. At the beginning of 2013; I had a full time real estate career, a photography business, and nonprofit organization, and most importantly I was a mom. July 2013, I had decided it was too much. I needed to spend more time with my little one. I threw one last huge benefit. I wrapped up all photography sessions. In the process of this, I had gotten very sick. Like could not spell or write my own name sick. From august 2013-october 2013 I went to every specialist there was in the state. Blood work. MRI, CT scans. Repeat. Long story short, I had burned out my adrenal gland with all that I was doing. Burning it at both ends for about, well my whole life. I had looked for sobriety in 11/2011. I made it almost two years, but I made it by always being go go go. When my medical got the best of me, I was forced to find some bed time, and to face some harsh reality. Myself. I had to deal with all that I tried to run away from for 2+ years. Saying it hit me hard, huge understatement. I didn’t (and still struggle) with knowing how to function as a “normal” person. The first person I contacted when I got sober back in 2011 was him. I had been hurting for so long for how I had acted. I never did anything bad to him, I just feel like things might have been, could have been different back in 2011, but they weren’t. I owed him an apology nonetheless. It was very well received. I continued on. We would catch up randomly on occasion but nothing to speak of. A little banter here and there. I was full of my distractions go go go. I have to tell you, any time a text or an email came from him I stopped all that I was doing. It was as if God himself were speaking to me. He was the one thing that was always able to stop me dead in my tracks. I remember stopping a photo shoot just to answer him and chat for a bit. Anyway. Life continues. Go go go. I get an email late 2013. It was very weird, I thought it might have been someone else, but it was him. Long story short, we went from having banter to an email of he felt like it was way more than that. I agreed. I could never tell him that before. Mainly because of how we met (a blog I will never write) through the years he would randomly ask for my bosses number to flirt with her. It really hurt me, but I had no leg to stand on so I would give it to him. Don’t get me wrong, I let him know that it hurt my feelings. His response was always why does that upset you? Why would it bother you?

Side note: Recently just realizing that maybe he was doing this to get me to speak up and say because I care about you. Maybe he wasn’t. I don’t know. But rear view. 20/20, and all of that other non-sense.

I’d give him the number and just go back to go go go. This email was different. This one was one that entailed all that I had ever felt, but being as he contacted me to hit on other women, and told me about his involvement with other women, I just never spoke up. Was he really saying what I had been thinking?     Yes. The answer was yes. Keep in mind I had never hung out with this man. I had never kissed him. I had never even come within 3 inches of him. I knew what would happen if I did. Looking back, he did too.

Long story short, he finally came to me in February. Wait; let me back up a tad. I left my job of 5 years because my boss had told me she slept with him. It cut me to my core. Had I had to look at her face one more time; I would have killed her. I quit. Come to February. He came to me, and let me say I was at the worst I was ever at in my life. Drinking like a fish. Unhealthy. Overweight. Sad. Broken. Lost. Everything that I ever wanted was in front of me, but I didn’t even know how to take care of myself. This man brought so much perspective to me on things I never saw any other way. I was sad because of my daughter. He said live more for her, not less.

This man had some dark things that he was doing behind my back, but this is not about that; this is about the good that he gave to me. This is the good that our therapist asked us to write about, that I never got to give him.

He saw me as nothing less than me. I don’t know how he did, and I can only imagine the strength it took, but he did. He brought color to all that had been black and white for two months. He got me in the gym, and it got easier after he made sure to tell me and show me how beautiful that I was. He got me out of the house doing things I never would have done. Thank god for him.

The second he came to me in February, the second his hand touched my face, and my hand touched his chest, it was pure fire from that moment on. It was like a fire had been burning all along and the second we touched an accelerant was poured on it. I think it was far more powerful than either of us ever dreamed it would be.

I made my wrongs to him, and I will live with them. I’ve no choice but to. I once said to him the bad out weighted the good. That was never true. I had gotten to the point where I only wanted to see the bad. My eyes were closed to the rest of it. We took a toll on each other, out of pure fear. Fear of that fire burning us. Neither of us could ever get that we were only burning each other to save our own foolish pride.

I have explored the infinite abyss of me and everything in between. I have my answers. I went to him, and he let me go. I cannot blame him for that. Hell I couldn’t blame myself if I let go. I won’t. He has taken the step that he needed to be away from me for good, and I can’t change that.

To you, if you ever read this ten years from now, here is how you affected me.

I loved you for any and everything that you are. Thank you for exposing yourself more than I ever did to you. I am sorry I wasn’t all that you needed. I wanted to be.

I will always love the little notes that you left me when I was sleeping, and as I slept with Addy at the hospital. I will never get rid of any of them.

I loved how much dedication you put into me, into Addy, into our home. Into us.

I loved every laugh you ever gave Addy, and that you got her talking.

I loved the stupid silly pictures that we took.

I loved the paint fights. The food fights. The ass grabbing fights.

I loved that you danced with me at a wedding for hours when you told me you never would.

I loved that you turned on the faucet every time I needed to pee.

I loved that you asked me to come to the bathroom while you showered so that we didn’t waste any time.

I loved that you reminded me of the good I had in me when I would forget.

I loved that you couldn’t go a night without a midnight snack during our shows.

I loved that you always said how you felt.

I loved that you would always open doors for me.

I loved that you would let me steal your toothbrush.

I loved that you walked around the house singing, not caring. I might have loved this the most.

I loved that you played with my hair while I lay in my spot.

I loved that you would let me win sometimes.

Above all, I loved how you loved me, Addy, and x. I am sorry that there wasn’t much left over for you. I didn’t know that until it was too late. Until the 5 am talk that we had recently. I didn’t know.

I loved all of these things, and I will miss all of them dearly. There is no laughter in my home anymore. My bed is cold. My child is laughless. My freezer has no ice-cream. My mirror has no post its. My life has no you.

You ask if I could ever forgive you, my answer is that I already had. The bad you did to me was far outweighed by the good that you did.

I am sorry I never told you everything.

I am sorry I drank.

I am sorry that I called you when you asked me not to.

I am sorry for keeping some of your things because it was all I had left of you.

I am sorry for lying.

I am sorry for being jealous.

I am sorry for not fighting with you.

I am sorry for saying you never helped.

I am sorry for not letting you take care of Addy when you wanted to.

I am sorry that I made you wish on stars when I knew you hated it.

I am sorry for the times I made you late because I wanted to “play”

I am sorry for making you ever doubt that you were enough

I am sorry I didn’t love you as much as you needed.

I am sorry for the mean things I said.

I am sorry for the horrible thing that I did.

I am sorry for the people during our break

I am sorry for not taking you to Boston.

I am sorry for not telling you everything when it is all you ever wanted for me to be enough.

I am sorry I will never be enough in your eyes. I will live my entire life trying to be and I pray that you see me one day for me. I pray. You never will, but it is all I have so please don’t take that hope from me.

Most of everything I am sorry for x.

You told me to leave you alone for forever, and I have to. I have never given you what you wanted. I owe you that.

My home is filled with you, and the walls keep me in tears. All I hear are the echoes of the life and the love that I lost. Addison and I still make you the first star every night. I still sleep in your shirt. I may always. I never knew life until you, so I never knew what it would feel like without you. I can’t wrap my head around how life was ok before. I never had a life before you. Now I have nothing. I have Addy. I have tears. I have a home and a town that I hate. I have friends that I will never speak to. I have the ashes of all that burned up. I am glad you got to throw it away; I have to look at all of it most days if I even go “home.”

I know you didn’t choose me. Know I chose you, and I will be the girl that lives with the cold heart forever, and I will be ok with that. There is nothing in this world for me but what I had. I have explored every option, and I know this to be fact. Please be happy. Please love again. Please remember some of the good in me. And one day when you think of me, please smile. I’d like that. If I could love you today the way I was supposed to many years ago, I wouldn’t fuck it up. You deserve a new scene that doesn’t include me. If that is the only thing I can give you, then let it be my final gift. I love you so very much and your family will miss you very much. You were our center, now all gravity is lost. Go be awesome. It’s what you were meant to be. Thank you for the time you gave us. You gave me more love and peace in the time I knew you than I had in my 35 years. When you look back on the things that you did to me, please forgive yourself. I hold no anger, and I know you to be a good person. Know that you are good, and don’t think of it any other way ok.

I gotta go now.

October ovations

Got to see this munk for lunch today. Today wrapped up “October ovations,” where each kid had a box for each person they wanted to appreciate. I got a pretty little necklace 🙂 the ex got a request (that they said held them over in class for her to write on her communication device) it was adorable. She made a sad face and asked for him and I had to give her the same answer. I promised her I would give it to him and she lost her shit (in a good way) I’ll keep it in a safe place.
I think he will never get that he wasn’t a “play thing to her.” To this day she still asks and thinks of him. She holds on to an ever hope that we will pick her up. She’s now learned to say red because of his truck. I am blessed for the drive that he instilled into her.
I had to take her her princess dress for Halloween tomorrow and candy bags for her friends. First Halloween apart. Now I get to try to survive work without crying.
Bittersweet.
I did get to share with her that her sister is on her way back from England for good. The lord works in mysterious ways. This works to my favor and Addisons in so many ways.
I’m not sure how I feel about today yet. But I am alive. I am breathing. I am loved.
It could be worse, but it could also be better.

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I always said it. I may not have always shown it. I hope, at times, that you felt it

Today has been an extremely hard day. I have little by little been trying to move on, fully knowing that I can’t and that I won’t. The choice was made and I hit the floor and my knees buckled. It wasn’t like the first few times where I still had hope. I felt the weight of how final this choice was and what it meant to what he and I had together. Don’t get me wrong, I am so very happy for him. He deserves a new start away from here; I just never thought he would leave me and Addy behind. He is a good man and I knew that he would find work; I had just intently prayed each night that he would find it closer. I made all of the calls that I could to help that to happen. It is my fault that he is having to leave so I tried to do what I could to get him to stay. I don’t mind the run ins. I like to pass him out in town and see a smile on his face. Of course I would have preferred me by his side, in not seeing him and worrying for him, it was always good to see him and know that he was ok. That he was safe. That he was sound. I’m not going to have that anymore. God has worked so hard to have us cross paths for all of our adult life. It is crazy to me how many times we would tell stories, and we were always in the same places at the same times and sometimes with the same people. The way we met was through behaviors that neither of us have exhibited again, it was just a fluke and a fluke that we made on the same day that brought us to each other. Hell I never would have someone I didn’t know comes see me at work, and he would never take time out of work to go see someone he didn’t know. We did, for some reason, in that moment we did; and it was the best day of my life. He will arguably say that it was the worst day of his, and I can see why. I know it was the best one in mine. His smell was perfect. We stood there talking outside and we ended up standing everywhere in that breezeway literally in a circular motion. I would move and he would move the same direction to where we circled the entire thing. The world started spinning that moment. In one conversation. It was like there was this force between the two of us. When one did something, the other reacted perfectly to accommodate that action. This applies to all things big and small of us. It was always a dance. It was always perfectly constructed. This force that sits between the two of us, that I am fairly certain will never go away. We have always been in this sphere spinning on the positive axis with equal reactions, always. the sphere is about to be busted, so I know any pain I have felt up until now is going to fail in comparison to the pain that comes that the day the sphere is broken. It’s always been ever present in our lives, and we never knew it. Now we do and we both have to feel it explode. It is not going to be good and I cannot even start to process that the fallout is going to hurt way worse than we already hurt. There is so much power between the two of us that I wish we would have been smart enough to use it for good, but we weren’t. I tried to fix that wrong, I tried to be exactly what he wanted of me, what I promised him years ago that I would be. It was too late for him to see me, and I can’t blame him. I can only blame myself for that. May we both be enveloped and embodied by hate, just for different reasons. My hate is for myself and what I did, for no good reason.

Everyone has always spoken about the connection between the two of us. That they could just see it, even in pictures. Even when we weren’t together the pull kept us together. Same places. Same times. Same moves. The universe is smarter than he and I decided that we wanted to be at the time.

I wake up. I open my eyes. I never asked him for any of his honesty. I didn’t think it was fair of me. So much was already told of him to me, and never did he have the advantage of having the same. I believed a lot more than I should have. Mostly because of even one of the lies being true led to me to the idea that they could have all plausibly been true. I read over and over and look it over and I can see clear as day which things were false accusations and which were true. I never needed to know more. Maybe he wouldnt have lied to me if I had been fully open to him. I will never know the answer to that riddle, but in my truest of times; I know the answer.
I tried to rewrite the answer. He couldn’t take the leap, and I can’t blame him yet again; only me. I have people in my life who cannot get why I still love him so deeply. Why I fought so deeply. These people don’t know what I did to him. They don’t know what he did to me. Beyond that, they don’t know what he did FOR me. What I did FOR him. That’s what everything boils down to. What we did for each other, not what we did to each other. They know nothing; they speak as if they know an ounce of it. They never will. Only he and I.

I made my changes for him. I made my changes for you if you are reading this. I was going to come with you. I was making the leap.

Anytime you saw a small thing, it threw you back into believing that I had not changed, but that was your anger in you, which I fully get. That’s why I understood not seeing you until all of the anger was gone because I needed you to see me in actuality, not in the light of which I acted. You spoke of a smirk on my face. That it reminded you of me catching you in something. In anger that’s what you say. In reality you know that smirk is the smile that I wear for you. It is my crooked smile that you fell in love with. I told you a very long time ago that it is the only way to tell if I am really smiling, or faking it. Seeing your face that day, even in passing, flooded me with so much love. That was the closest I had been to you in what feels like forever. For those two seconds that we sat side by side, life felt ok again. I knew it wasn’t, but the axis had leveled out for just a brief moment and quit spinning in insanity. I would have done all of the promises that I told you that I would make and keep to you. I would have loved you and laid beside of you and never know the meaning of the word regret again. I would have never cost any of us what I helped cost us the first time. For the first time we were ironing it all out. We were being cordial. We were making progress. I would have made your three hour drive. I would have paid to ship Addy’s bed to you so that we could stay weekends. I would have poured my savings into driving to you. I would have been happy. I would have been at home. My soul would be with its mate. (Yes I have said soul mate to someone before. I also said I loved them, I never knew what either meant until the likes of you. I never will again) all of the little things that you hated about me, I have changed. I hate my phone. I hate Facebook. I hate drinking. I hate lying in bed all day. I hate not traveling. I hate me.

I look at some of the dick things that I did just for no reason and I kick myself repeatedly. Like I was winning something. Some sort of fucking prize. I was losing a little more each day, and I was the only one doing it to myself. We both had a chance to win here. We had a chance to prove tom dick and harry wrong. We had a huge shot at winning the whole damn thing. You and I and Addy and a yet to be named gorgeous little girl with red hair and brown eyes. The power that was given to us the second god put us in his sphere together 11/7/1978, that’s the very power that would have kept the world out of it. We would have continued to spin perfectly on that axis, complimenting each other as well as any two things ever possibly could have. It’s what we were best at. Loving each other. We were so bad at loving ourselves. We know the price. For the first time in either of our stubborn lives, we both now know regret. We know pain and anguish. We had managed to escape pain and hurt all of our lives up until now.
 I don’t want to know loss anymore.
I am sorry for every wrong I ever committed to you. I was done doing that. I think you saw that, at least I hope you did. I also hoped that you would have found some forgiveness for me as I built the trust back for us. I would have paid the extra for the two bedroom. I would have left all the bullshit where I promised to leave the bullshit the first time. Outside. I believe that you would have as well. I believe in you. I believe in us.
My job was loving you. I was good at it. Your job was your love, and I took it. I can never apologize enough, but I am thankful that you were kind enough to hear my “reasoning” on it.

I made so many mistakes. Mostly all small, one really huge one. Over all I like to think that I was good to you. That I loved you enough. That I made you happy at the end of the day. That I brought you comfort when I lay on your chest. That I brought you peace on occasion. Sometimes you didn’t crave peace, you sought the opposite. Some times I hand delivered the opposite. You came to me in times of trouble and we started it all wrong and it just built from there, but my god our love and you and I were such a great and beautiful thing. There’s not a person in this world that wasn’t jealous of it, that has been proven. The truth is people don’t get to love and live and feel like we did, so they will never get it. The truth is, it is not my job to prove it to them. I believe us to both be very good people or god would not have given us such a great gift that a lot of people don’t get. This I believe. My heart will be with you there, should you ever let it; my body will be as well.
My memory is short at best with a lot of things, it is in fact eidetic when it comes to you. With that comes the good and the bad. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.

I have been in this search of “eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.” If you are unfamiliar with the film, I will break it down…in a spaz type way. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl break up. The love between them was so powerful they just couldn’t forget each other. They couldn’t be happier, knowing that the other existed outside of what they shared. Girl (clementine, love her name) goes to a company that specializing in removing memories of whatever it is you want to remove; dead pets, family, past lovers. Mind: Spotless. Upon finding out that clementine does this, he tries to the same. Everywhere they go, they run into each other. They meet again. They are drawn to each other, and they don’t know why. Very sweet, catchy movie. Always been a favorite, for obvious reasons.

I have tried to erase my brain. I’ve tried to rewire it. I’ve tried to drown it. Mostly, I tried to restart it. None of it has worked. Yes it has gotten a little easier, but when I say easy, I mean I’m functioning and not a drooling crying mess anymore, well rarely. (thank you for run on sentences….too much caffeine and adrenaline) unimportant factor, I started wearing my Fitbit again…my sleep was all over the map last night. I was not where I was supposed to be. I sweated all night. Night terrors all night. I woke up to my answer.

Do I stay, or do I go? The answer was told to me through the man I loved many months back, while watching the Mexican. “When you truly love someone, really love them, how do you know when enough is enough” Never. You accept that you both have, and probably will fuck up again. You just fuck up like normal people. You forget to buy the milk, or you accidentally put onions in the soup, when he doesn’t like them. You also take more pride, for you know the cost. You start your walls of post its. You always say goodnight. You fight, but its ok to fight. You don’t say things that you can’t take back. You don’t get to do that because you know that person is going to love you forever. You don’t get to do unforgivable things because you know that you will be forgiven. Either of you. You have paid the cost, you have done the worst, now can you see its time to do the best? That there are other options, but none of them hold what is held in that three inches between you. Nothing will ever compare. It is ok to forgive yourself, and more importantly; to forgive them. You earn their trust, and they earn yours. You have to believe they mean the best. You have to know that. They hurt as you hurt, no more, no less. You feel the same, because almost everything is the same with you and him. You finish each others….sandwiches. you always sit on the same side of the booth. You never stop thinking that its cute that they wash the detergent lid. you always kiss at the gym. You always hold hands. You never lose that light, or that fire. You sing loudly in the car, you dance poorly. You make love daily. You love and you don’t stop. And for gods sake, you sleep naked.

When you have a night of no quiet in your head. Of what you are supposed to do. Of what you may have been born to do. What you are best at doing. You go and do it. You go to them and love them, and hope that they will have you. You wave the whitest of flags. You pick your soul up out of the trash can, and you give it to them. And you MEAN IT. I can not remember the ladies name who wrote on my blog earlier in the week, but thank you for everything you said. You nailed my feelings on the head, while I was trying to pretend I was ok without him. I am “ok” without him, but you cant do ok after living in the grandest of palaces, with the grandest of kings, with the biggest of hearts.

Im cut open. Im bleeding. I fucked up. A lot. Love me, love me for all that I am. I have not stopped thinking about you since I met you when I was 15 years old. I give my all to you. I never have. I don’t need to protect myself from you. You are my highest of highs and my lowest of lows. You loved me at the worst point of my life. You hurt me. I hurt you. It doesn’t make us even, it makes us idiots. I don’t want to be an idiot anymore. Any day in my life without you is a day that I don’t want to see. I live in grey scale, which some people enjoy; I used to. I want the color back.

I want my family back, and I want to have that family grow.

I want you.

I choose you.

That’s my choice.

Final answer.

 

“In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.” ― Carlos Ruiz Zafón

I went back and read through a lot of this blog today. It was mentioned to be a rollercoaster. I feel like it was more like a carousel. A roller coaster would insinuate changes, a carousel more so represents passing by the same ideas and same notions over and over. When I look to see and think that a lot has changed, but in actuality; not much has. The situation today relates to the same that it did when I started writing again; the stances are different, but the common denominators are the very same. I started writing again when an old friend gave me a journal. A friend that was with me in my sobriety back then. He remembered how much I used to write and suggested that I use it as my outlet again, for if I didn’t; I would drown. He was very right and it’s been very lethargic, and is a far better option than the methods that I was using; although I tend to stumble into those on occasion still. They are getting more far and few between by the weeks, so silver lining. My head spins to hear all of what I have been doing, stuff I didn’t even know I was doing; I only pray that I had fun while doing so. I spent a portion of my day today correcting mistruths, then it occurred to; I just don’t care. People are always going to have their opinions, and I am never going to care.  It seems everyone wants to tell a story; but never one of themselves or one of truth. I am blessed to not be an “everyone.” I am somebody, and am finally (through lots of hard work of very good people) starting to see that again. Don’t misunderstand, I have high moments of lucidity where it all hits me, but I just go on to the next thing to make me keep moving in the right direction. These moments use to be a place of peace for me; reflecting on him and us and our family. Now when these moments hit, they make me sick to my stomach. I empty my stomach and I try to focus on something else. I don’t get sick on the time we spent, I don’t get sick out of anger; I get sick out of a pure acquiescence ending. Be careful what you wish for, right? Everything happens in stages, and it seems the stages are just flying by at this point. You’re just sitting there watching your life. It’s like postcards being thrown in a fire and you can only sit and watch; you are no longer able to help put out the flames. When someone fights you so hard for so long, finally you realize it is just easier to join their side of the battle; for they must have more knowledge than you on the right things to do. One day it will seem to be the right and okay thing, as the stages fly by I am assured that stage will present itself in its own time and place. For now I just dress the part, greet my day and let it all hit me as it may, and let my weakness show in its moments. I still love and care about him very much, this will always remain true. When you love someone that much, it honestly brings you a peace to see them happy; especially when you have seen them unhappy for so long. Partly due to you, and partly due to just not being happy with you. It brings a peace, and sometimes it brings a pain; a lot of the time it just brings pure bile. Literally. I have deleted so many comments on here these last couple of days. You see, when I write I am not asking for anyone’s opinion on the situation. I am not asking for feedback (although sometimes you guys have some great pieces of wisdom for me, and I am grateful) I am merely putting pen to paper, if you will. It’s the moments that it is over running my head, and my heart, and it beats the alternative of what I would normally do in this situation. Some of you have spoken ill of him, I will never condone that from anyone; let that be known here and now. Not one person knows him, and we don’t speak ill of people we don’t know. You can speak truth of someone you know, but not ill of them. Some of you have urged me to keep fighting for him, and for us. Anyone who knows me knows I fought until every ounce of me laid open and exposed, and I let the vultures have their feast with me. I don’t have the fight anymore. Its taken energy from my child and from my life, and for no purpose. It was all wasted energy, but I would not change any of it for one second. It has all came in its own time and place, and it has all taught me a lesson. If we grow and learn, if even just a little each day; we have won. Even when it feels like we have lost, we must reach for the silver lining. I had to let go of the weight of it, although it hurt like hell. I am having a lot of moments where I am happy and laughing and singing and dancing and snorting laughing. I am having moments where I do the very opposite. One is starting to outweigh the other. I have been steering clear of social media, for every time I am on there; another rumor begins. It has been nice to be living under a rock again. I needed to do a lot more of that when I was with him; but that is neither here nor there at this juncture. I have learned to put my phone away when I am with company. I have been glued to it for most of my life, and even more so lately; just holding my breath on a word from him. I learned to put it up and to enjoy time with who I am with, because it’s just manners. A lot of this worries a lot of you, but do know I would let you know if I were not ok. Hell, I come to most all of you when I am not. You all worry so much. When I post a song, it is because it hit me. I feel something from it. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me happy. It made me something, it made an impact and I share so that maybe it lest brighten your day. These things are all a chronological gathering of all my thoughts, hopes, fears, beginnings. It is something that I can look back years from now and see how I got to be ok. To remind me how hard to always fight. To remind me what I have gone through. To remind me what I put others through. To remind me of all that I lost. It is nothing more than that, so please stop worrying if you don’t hear from me via phone, Facebook, Instagram, twitter, what have you. I like the off the grid thing for now. It is important to get back to the bare basics when you have lost it all, physically and emotionally. I love and miss him very much, and I appreciate the fact that all of you have tried to “help” in your own little way; steering me one way or another. I didn’t ask for help. I don’t want it. This is something that I created myself, and something that I must keep repairing myself. When and if I want opinions, ill surely ask. I had to tell him 100 times, and I needed to re-read the blog today “no man ever steps in the same river twice.” It is all still very true. Others opinions and thoughts of me and him or anything in between, have no bearing on me and carry no weight. There were two people that were there the entire time. There were tons beating on the door to tell lies one after another, but there were two there every day. Meaning, there is only one person whose opinion of me through it all matters. As far as Tom, dick, and harry; I do not think of them before I close my eyes at night. He has made his peace with me, and quit carrying hate for me; I think finding love helped him let go. For that huge blessing, I am thankful. I needed to right my wrongs to him, I needed him to know and remind him of what we had. We were able to do that and proceed in life. If that is the best thing to have come of it all, I can’t say I am grateful; but I must be okay with it. Peace be with you all tonight, for my friends on here, I love you. We just keep going, the second you stop; this earth will swallow you up whole. You just keep kicking rocks, fully realizing you are kicking rocks when you used to be kicking something far more meaningful.

“Life is random and fucked-up and arbitrary, until you find someone who can make sense of it all for you— if only temporarily. Let me tell ya. You got to pay attention to signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it’s a sin if you don’t reach back… I’m telling you. I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”
Silver Linings Playbook

The very essence of romance is uncertainty~Oscar Wilde

What a damn day. Running on one hour sleep has gotten to be my new self; I might need a weekend to hibernate in time for vacation. I may have a rare sad day few and far between, but look for the blog to be more upbeat from now on. I finally got the answers that I knew (well most of them) This town likes to talk. It seems half of the town wants you with someone, and pushes you there; the other half is defiantly the opposite. Most truths have now all came out enough for me to burn the suitcase. I know enough of the situation to know that it won’t pan out, because they are too much alike; but for now I wish them all of the luck in the world. It changed the entire dynamic. I had taken him back through all of his festivities in all of the years, but a confession of love is on a whole different level. You can’t love two people at the same time, so it made all of the words spoken to me null and void. Wish I could say that I am shocked. It’s the old tale, how do I pick which one to be with? The second one, because if you loved the first one, you wouldn’t have sought the second one. I couldn’t be more grateful for him finally being honest with me and giving me my freedom back; no matter the cost. I finally have answers that I can give my daughter, my job, and my friends. I actually ate a meal, I can’t remember the last time I had.

Here’s the thing about me, when I love…I fucking love. I dedicate and I cherish. I don’t steer. I hold onto it like it is as essential as the air that I breathe, because it is. I realize that I am a rare breed in all that I am, and I have no fear of my happiness waiting on me to greet it.

I am one of the guys. I go to sporting events. I eat hot dogs. I drink beer. I don’t do the club scene, I do a bar. I shoot pool. I play darts. I now shoot guns and ride dirt bikes. I get ready in 15 minutes. I don’t care if I break a nail. I will lift weights side by side with you. I will watch porn with you. I will get dirty and not care about my hair. I will compete with you, and I will win sometimes. I will get mad if you try to let me win.

I am a nurturer. I cook for you when you are sick. I wake you up to make sure that you take your medicine. I get mad at you when you don’t take your medicine or don’t go to the doctor. I baby you until you are 100%, because I know you would do the same for me.

I am a considerate person. I am always thinking of small things to do to make you smile throughout your entire day. You will wake up to a note that I love you. You will come home to arrows taped all over the wall to lead you to a prize. I will hide notes in your lunch box. You will hear from me all day about how much you mean to me. I will plan special days from leaving town to couples massages. I will always let you know where I am going. If I am going to the store, I will always ask if you need something. I will pick you up stuff at the store regardless. I will order things online that I know that you will love, but that you’d never buy. You will wake up and find that I ordered you your very own pizza. All meat.

I am a real woman. You will wake up to your lunch already made for you. I will have your coffee made for you. I will have dinner ready for when you come home. I will have your laundry done. I will have the house cleaned. I will give you Eskimo kisses. I will rub your back and chest uncontrollably. I will be in lingerie unannounced to greet you at the door. I will make love to you all day and night. I will leave marks on you, and make sure that you leave some on me; through passion. I will do as I am told. I will send you pictures of whatever you ask, whenever you ask. I will text you about how wet I am throughout the day, and tell you what about you made me that way. I will beg for many quickies. I will make you scream. When it is all done, I will lay on you and rub you some more. I will again remind you what you mean to me. Sometimes I will cry out of being so happy and blessed to have you. I will kiss you goodnight, and I will wake ready to do it again.

Some people can hold their end of this deal up for a few short months, but I will do these things every day of my life, I have proven that. As much as you think that these things are about you; they’re not. They make me happy to do all of these things for you. Seeing you happy will be the reward for it all. I am a whole lot all rolled into one.

Don’t get me wrong. I am going to piss you off. I am going to be overly sensitive some times. I am going to be upset sometimes if we don’t get to make love for a day. You are going to say something that I am going to take wrong. I am going to pout. I am going to cry. Some days I will just be sad.

In all of that, I promise to tell you why. I promise to be the one who ends the fight, just don’t refuse to end it. When I come down and sit on your lap and beg baby please come to bed, don’t start a new fight. I am not asking you to forgive me in that second, but I am asking you to put it on pause until the next day; because tomorrow won’t be promised.

Through my small amounts of bad you can know that I will never cheat on you. I will never have eyes for anyone but you. I will love you with every ounce of me, and I will never let go. I know that I am the best of both worlds. I know that I am a precious little prize. I know what amazing things lie within me. I know I will find all of the amazing things in you.

For whoever you are, and where ever you are; I am ready. The grieving process is over and I’m ready to kick ass again and leave my mark on this spinning heaven. I have no doubt you will be easy to find.

For the one who threw me away if you ever read this, all of me was yours. I know I had a hand is messing up but I righted every wrong to you, you never would do the same. You know the power in my eyes and the love in my smile. May it live in your head for the rest of your days.

Everyone have a safe weekend. Love and be loved to the utmost of your ability.

“This is to the girl who got into my head with all the pretty things she did. Hey baby you know that you keep me up in bed. It’s to a girl who got into my head with all the fucked up things I did. Hey maybe baby you could keep me up in bed my Konstantine”

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I don’t want to die without any scars~chuck palahniuk

Loss is the root all kinds of emotions. Anger, Depression, Sadness, and sometimes joy, depending on what was lost. But almost always the loss of something is not a happy time. Mostly people are upset, or angry, or can get severely depressed. These are all emotions that came from the shock of what you lost. People will weep for days on end, and not be able to eat, these things cause physical changes in you, not just emotional. So not only can loss change you emotionally, but physically too. Sometimes this can cause people to get very sick, and then people are afraid of losing them, and the cycle can start all over again. Loss doesn’t seem like a word that could have this much power, but it has more power over us than we could ever imagine.
I have experienced a relatively small amount of loss in my life. Oscar Wilde says “sometimes goodbyes come in waves.” It is true. Most of my losses have always been back to back, and not much has changed about that. For years my sister and I would mostly hibernate through the month of September. We had two grandparents pass in September, she lost her brother, and I lost my best friend and God child. I have to say that was in 1999, but the loss is just as fresh today as it was yesterday. I still get choked up to talk about it.
My recent losses have not been that of death, and for that I am blessed; but a loss of something in your everyday life still hurts the same. In a sense those things are gone, just in a very different way. My first loss was of a child. This one eats at me every day. I never wanted any children. I was so blessed when I had my daughter. I would sing to her when I was pregnant. I would read her stories. I would let her listen to music. I would put a flashlight on my belly and steer her to where I needed her to lay. I was sick the entire time, and I mean every single day. I swore I never wanted to do it again. Without getting into too much for the strangers on here, she had some complications and is not deemed to be “normal,” but she is the realest thing in the world to me. I have never seen something so tough, resilient, and full of heart. The road has not been easy; but no one’s road is. Our road has just been different. I met this guy years ago, and I knew from the second I met him that I wanted all of that with him. I can’t explain the connection; I can just tell you that I remember everything about the day we met, down to exactly what he was wearing and how he stood, and where. I wanted the normal experience. I wanted to braid pigtails, or throw footballs. I wanted the slumber parties, and the making a mess in the kitchen while trying to make daddy breakfast. I wanted my daughter to have someone to take care of her long after he and I were gone. Someone she could rely on, like I had come to rely on him. I had a brief time that Addison had a little girl that always stayed the night. She was like her sister; it would make me laugh to no end to hear them in there sneaking around playing way after bed time. I wasn’t even mad, it was something she loved, and she flourished with it in her life. I don’t want these things anymore. The equation is no longer that of what it was, and the math problem is just off now. I lost that child due to stupidity on both parts. I will forever mourn him or her. I will plant a flower on the anniversary of their due date until the day I can no longer. They are up there looking down on me, reminding me to think things through before I act, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
My second loss was him. I have to say I did a lot to lose him, and he did some as well. I lost him long before I ever had him. I didn’t trust the feeling of life actually being that good. That someone could make me feel that way, because it had never happened before. Never have I had chill bumps just from someone breathing. I have to say the pain from this has been a huge contestant to the amount of pain I felt when I lost my great grandfather. It has paralyzed me at times, and still does in moments. I still don’t eat or sleep, but I don’t cry all day anymore. You have to take the small blessings as they come. It is crazy how you can be so completely invested in another person, and you don’t fully realize it until it’s gone. I had so many walls up. I couldn’t believe things he was saying to me. I just thought that they were out of jealous rages, but he was right about a lot that I didn’t see. There was a lot of jealousy, but I think that he knows that I was always committed to him. I was a lot of defensive things rolled into one, but I was a damn fine lover. I was very good at loving him, just a little poor at loving myself. I was off limits, because I already felt so much that I didn’t think I could handle what all of it would have felt like. Irony being; now I do know. I feel the power of all of it, just in a very different way now. He is very well adjusted, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
My third loss was my pups. Rugs was given to us as a gift when I threw my very first benefit. He was such a good dog. So kind and gentle. Never chewed up anything, only used the bathroom in the house if he was sick. All he wanted was a lot of love and time from us; it just was something I never felt like I’d be able to give him. I’m having trouble finding it to give to myself. Paired with a lot of travel and never being home, I gave him up in the hopes of chasing a dream that was waved before me. I cried, man how I cried. I was told that I could come see him at any time but I think it’s just best that I don’t. He has made the best of friends with Duncan, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
My last, and hopefully last loss, is my Jordan. I have stayed many of nights at the hospital and I can only remember one that she wasn’t with me. She is an absolute nut case, but she always made me laugh. She could always see when I was in the mix of things, and she would be so annoyingly stupid, just to make me laugh. We’ve done slumber parties and gone clothes and make up shopping. We’ve watched a lot of movies, and we’ve had a lot of hot tea downtown. She showed me to get out and not sit in it anymore. She tried to get me to burn all that I had, but I just couldn’t yet. Something won’t let me. She has been in my daughter’s life since she was 5 months old, and I know it’s going to be a huge hit to her when she sees her get on that plane. She’s been in mourning for months, and now she must begin a new path of it. She is strong because of Jordan. We have skype and technology, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
I have cried more in the last three months than I think I have collectively in my life. I have felt more in these months than I ever have. All of this was brought into perspective as I watched someone very close to me break down today. He’s seen that side so many times of me, and has been nothing short of stellar. I didn’t know he had it in him. I didn’t know how bad it would affect me to see it. We both just cried. He is facing a loss due to sickness and he has to be the strong one for his family, so no one has seen him break down; and he finally did. I have told my ex, you’ll be in the least expected spot when it hits you, and it’s true. When you just can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore, you just have to drop it, you won’t have a choice. You can only pray for there to be someone there with no hidden agendas to help you glue it back piece by piece. It is ok for people to see you weak; it reminds them that you are human. I listened to a flooding of emotions from my friend this morning. It rang so much truth. It’s not fair. There are far worse people that these things could happen to. It’s not supposed to be this way. They’re a good person. They are too young. This is all completely relatable. The difference is this person is facing death; but we all are. I have to wake up each day and know that I did everything in my power to tell those that I love that I loved them. More so I have to spend every day showing them, because words just become words. I have to know that I have thanked God for everything in my life, and pray that I wake with it again tomorrow. I have to be kind to all that I meet, and I have to learn to be kind to me. I have to know that I lived everyday doing exactly what it is that I wanted to do, and saw who I wanted to see, because tomorrow is not promised. In sickness, in accidents, in intervention, in wrong places wrong times; this could be the last thing that I ever write.
Should that be the case, I know where I wanted to be. I know that I didn’t want to waste any more days, praying that tomorrow does come so that maybe 20 tomorrows from then, I would be worth your hand on my cheek.
I make a lot of mistakes in life, none really huge; I’m going to make more. What I won’t mistake will be being a good person. Being truthful. Being honest. Being dedicated. Being exactly who I say I am. I will love with everything in me and be blessed for those who are open to receiving it. I will live as if there is no tomorrow, because this may be all we have. For that, I carry a tremendous amount of courage.

We loved with a love that was more than love~Edgar Allen Poe

What is love? How do we keep it? How do we trust it? More so, how do we know that it is?
I have been called many things in life, and expert has never been one of them. I feel like if I keep visiting the topic, I might become one. The thing about love is this, once you have it; you will visit the idea every time your chest rises and falls. Every second of every day you want to fill with it. It’s what I do. I fill my day with love songs. I fill it with memories of love. I fill it with pictures of it. Any tangible thing that I can add to my day to keep my faith restored in all that is love. It will never be a fleeting feeling to me.
I had never known love. I had looked many in the face and spoke of “I love yous.” Not to say that I was lying to them. I thought I did, so it’s all well and fair. I thought I did, until I actually loved. There is not a slight difference, it is a smack you against the wall by the throat and paralyze you difference. So that answers that. How do we know if its love. Trust me when I say this, if you trust no other words of mine. You. Will. Know. It will consume you, but it will fill you. To quote my pitbull song on love “I’ll make you lose your heart and your mind at the same time.” Yes, I realize how classy and intelligent I am by quoting pit bull to you all. I will remind all for you to thank me tomorrow for enriching your lives. I have talked to a few of my exes the last couple of months (it is funny how people come out of the woodwork when they no longer see your profile picture as you and your love) I have let them know that I never loved them. That I was sorry that they missed me, but that I did not miss them; and I wished them well. I look back on all of my relationships and my recovery time. I recovered the same each time. I think the only hard part about my past break ups, was dealing with the change; not the loss of the relationship. It was always just easier to leave it be and move along. Why I ask, what’s different. Love. Love is the answer and it is the biggest difference in a world. It is the difference between having a cup of coffee at waffle house, and having a Caffè macchiato at a bar in the middle of Italy at noon. There is no bigger difference that could be grander. So I maybe covered what love is to me, and how you know its love. The other two, coincidentally, roll together hand in hand.
How do we keep love? How do we trust it? You can only keep love by trusting in it. Flip side of that, you can only trust in love by keeping it. These two fit so beautifully together. Love provides us with so many things in life. It gives us laughs, smiles, courage, protection. Love only asks that we trust that it knows what it is doing. Love will also remind us of how much stronger it is than us. When we start to lose sight, or when we do lose sight; love will want its revenge for what all it gave us. It will make you feel pain like no other for losing sight of its blessing. It will be emptiness like you have never felt. Know love will be in the driver’s seat, when you let her in. You get to hold all all that she grants you, so it is worth the cost. The cost is only a cost, when you lose sight of the love. Otherwise she will never harm you.
I never lost sight of love, I had moments where I over looked it. Man the price love has had me pay. She has reminded me that she is the boss of me, and everything that rules me. I am forever in debt to love for all that she gave me, and I will never let her be disrespected or over looked again. Without her, my life would be very empty. I will take the pain because the good it brings me every day is perfect. Everything worth having comes with a price, and I wake up waiting to pay that bill the second my eyes awake and I don’t see him there. I empty my pockets, I tell love “you are the boss, steer me to you; and I will follow you no questions asked. Here is all of my money. I pay it all to you, just send me some of what you have.” Every kind word that is said to me erases so much pain. Every touch from him always erased so much pain. Love does have a payment system set up, but trust that it works to your advantage. Every one drop of love, replaces 100 drops of anger or hurt or pain. So when you find that love, choose to trust it. Trust in it, and all its power and you will keep it. Keep it as the thing closet to the front of your brain, and love will show you trust.
To love. To trust. To hope.
It’s kind of all we have.