No fight can ever compare to the fight that we have within ourselves. To fight our own demons, our own actions, our losses; self created. There is no hell, worse than that, that is what I always thought. It has taken me 35 long,brutal years, to realize that there is no fact in that statement. There is no hell that compares to hurting the person you love. The person who held you in the highest regards, the person who always had your back.
I begged of him to come to me, I have written of him often. I asked promises and deeds of him; that I myself didn’t keep to him. Ideals. Morals. Peace. Truth. Things ive always offered on a plate to everyone I have ever met. to aquaintances, I offered the best of me, but kept it from the very two people who deserved it more than anyone else. why does one have such a betrayel to themselves? why self destruct something that you know would be the sure end of yourself. protect your best interest, while you slowly cut your insides out.
I have listened to others opinion on the situation for three years, 6 months, one month; all depending on your perspective. ive always said that I do not buy into the bible, for one very important reason. You can not tell a story of a person, because not one person ever reveals their true self, 100%, to anyone. No one. No one knows my own actions but me. I can admit fault to others, in their time of criticizing him. I never reveal all that I do. There is no one person who knows all of my actions but me, and let that be the demon that ate me alive. That brought me here. Maybe there is a lesson to be leanred in communicating better with family and friends. In being honest with at least one person. will we ever do that? I don’t know one person who is honest about their side of the street. I have always valued that I am very upfront with the “bag of shit” that I carry. It was a self lie. I don’t tell half of all the pain I have caused in my 35 years. It all has to change, for my safety. for my daughters.
I have held myself in such high regard, swearing my conscious was a good one. My conscious is shit. I am “brutally honest” with people about what I want them to know. what I deem them worthy of knowing. I never realized this until the statement was made to me, that “I see knowledge as power.” those words will haunt me until the end of my days.