I have been overwhelmed with change these last 6 months. I have done a lot to destruct my own world, and I also allowed others to help destruct it as well. I came to a crossroads; if you will. Faced with my own character flaws, and realizing I had stooped to levels I never even dreamed I had in me. I have been on a journey to rebuild, repair, and also find me. The me that I am ok seeing in the mirror. I had not been that for a while. We all get a little lost sometimes, so it seems. Our truth lies in finding our roots again.
This will probably not be grammatically correct, as its a notion of emotion. that emotion is pissed off. Here it goes.
The first step for me, in this journey, was getting back to friends. Being around those who know me best. those who shed light on who I am, and how far away I had strayed from that. Friends are a blessing, in the fact that they have no problem telling you straight out what you need to work on. they know that you will forgive them. Maybe I have gone to them too many times. Maybe I have shown them my vulnerable side too much. Maybe I have been so wrapped up in me, that I never saw what many exes were telling me.
Friend one. My oldest, dearest, and nearest. There at the drop of a hat. Any, and every time I have ever needed him. We go out. we have a blast. for the first time in a while, I feel myself coming back to reality. the night ends with waffles and coffee and food fights. well, it should have. the night ended with a confession on love. lifetime love. love that I can not unhear. what? why? why would you do that. I am here, broke down. heartbroken. very much in love, coming to you with my woes. only wanting to move forward. you present me with the idea of a future of you and I. no. great. now I have to avoid my best friend, because he insisted on making it awkward. dammit.
friend two. my next nearest and dearest. I tell him about friend one. how sad it made me to lose a friend that way. how uncomfortable it makes me feel. we laugh. we watch football. we cuddle. Awesome. this is what I needed. my supportive friend to be there for me, and me for him. no one makes me laugh like him. yes, most of our conversations are unethical, and crude in nature; but that’s what I look for in a friend. hours and hours go by, and Newcastle lets the cat out of the bag. friend two can see how friend one told me that. friend two feels the same way. DAMMIT.
If I can only express to you how fast I transgressed into a 17 year old girl. I waited for my moment. he went to pee. I got this. I grab my bag ( I was packed to stay the night, as usual) I grab my heels; no time to put them on. I run like I am in a marathon in the middle of the late late night to my car, throw it in reverse, and drive until I can put my shoes on safely. I can’t see to drive at night, so im now facing my death in the middle of the night just to get home. to run from who I thought to be a best friend. And…..I realize I left my dress for work. FML. How do I cut off contact, and still manage to get my favorite dress back. The struggle is real.
Here I am, still processing, now losing the two people I have gone to for most of my adult life. Possibly the only two people who know the actual me. Hermit mode engage.
I prepare for some self work. Some time to myself. My roommate is gone. My daughter is gone. I have two weeks to get some really hard work done; continuing forward. the phone goes off. My first love. the man I bawled my eyes out as a 15 year old girl. the man who just wouldn’t love me back. I didn’t love him. I was 15. he had a car. he was in college. (looking back; creepy) Here he is. Guess what; he is in love with me and feels horrible that he never told me. FML.
New day. A kid, yes, I say kid. we go to shoot pool and have some fun. just to get out. I don’t really know this kid, but he’s always been good people and good company. I just want to get out of the house, and I can’t call either of my best friends at this point. nor can I go to any of our usual spots. well I could, but I am in incognito mode at this point. I get my ass kicked at pool. great. well said kid, has always “adored me,” and im too pretty to cry. be with a guy that treats you well. SIGH. You are 24. you are in my home, and now you just made things uncomfortable. I do the appropriate thing. I text my roommate to call me that she needs me to pick her up in king. I am very tired at this point. of course he waits to see me off. of course he does. now I have to commit to this charade and go drive around for a bit. in the dark. can’t see. AWESOME. New one off the list.
New day. My phone goes off. a certain boy that I had just made a large purchase from texts me. Did I feel something. was it odd. was there tension in the air when we met. He cant help but feel that there was more there. I AGREE!!!!!! I could not get this man off of my mind for weeks. It was refreshing, as I had been filled with so much crap from the ex. a new thing on my brain, felt, well great. (hows that for a run on sentence) We talk extensively. he’s too cute. too country. good morals. good family. How cute, butterflies. Oh, wait. you’re 23!? Ugh! Of course you are.
Back to my criminal minds marathon. Phone goes off. Another kid I had not seen in a while. we never dated. I have to admit that I knew he wanted to, but I always was very upfront with him that we never would. morally solid, just a lack of ambition. good looking of course. we catch a movie. I specifically say AS FRIENDS before he even arrives to get me. We go out. have some drinks. run into some people id not seen in a while. I get a couple of guys numbers (all of which I threw in the trash the next day) Newcastle. “I love you Melissa. why don’t you love me.” GOT DOWN SAT ON A BENCH. Check please. STAT.
Back to my criminal minds again. A DM on instagram. Hmmm. Interesting. oh awesome. it’s a penis. Great. just what I have always wanted. I don’t answer, as you do when someone sends you a picture of their downstairs mix up. This kid (19!!!!!) Is BEYOND hot. im flattered. really. what sucks is he works at my gym, and in fact used to always hit on me when I was there with my ex. I always looked at him, because he was stunning. Now all I see is his penis. New DM. Do I want to “hang out?” Nah brah. Im good.
In the meantime, I have managed to talk to two very upstanding gentlemen. they have both been great conversation. great company. even more so, they realize that I am processing a heart-break, because I am honest about it. hell, I couldn’t hide it if I tried. They have been more than patient and understanding. To these two men, you are role models.
In summary. MEN ARE CREEPS. Don’t eye-ball your friends and not tell them things like that. don’t send women your penis, unless she asks for it. Don’t take a girl out, who has told you she is heartbroken and wants nothing from you, and profess feelings for her. She is not going to like it, and she will never speak to you again. And I do mean never.
Let me just add that all of this was in the time span of a month. Women, stay safe. Avoid creepsters (its my new term for evolved hipster/creep). Take time to heal, and don’t let anyone rob you of that. let my public service announcement be this: Don’t answer texts from men with agendas. it is ok to suffer from a broken heart, and not fill it with unwarranted company. it only delays the process. you lived without them before. you will again. the kind of guy who pounces on a wounded deer, is NOT the kind you want around. it’s the one who takes his time and is patient with you. yeah, that one.
now I need new hangout spots, and a new gym. More change. yay.