Perspective is a pretty little demon. You can go your entire life and see things how you would like to; it is your right. It is also your right to choose whether or not to see someone else’s view of the situation. In doing so, you have created the ability to grow, and even change. Evolve to be better. Each day a little better, some days even worse. Always let the better outweigh your worse in progression. I have tormented myself for a couple weeks, of actions I took against the man that I loved. I couldn’t even believe the things that I did. My sister sends me a text this morning, on an unrelated issue, but it evolved to hold the answer of my actions. We were speaking of a scar that I gave her on her face when we were children. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. Not like bickering, but fought. My sister has always had a violent streak. I laughed this morning and apologized, as she wears the scar at the age of 38. The power of words, she said “its ok, I deserved it. I always hit you until I got you to throw your one punch.” It’s true. I always had a big problem with hitting my sister. I loved her, why would she hit me. Why was she doing this? My sister would beat the dog shit out of me. I would take about 20 clock cleaning blows, and then my one hit came. I would only hit her one time. The fight always ended there. I just bottled it up the entire fight and then all my rage went into one hit. She was done then.
Apply that to “life,” as I have come to now know it.
The person I loved was hurting me over and over and over. I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t want to fight back. I just kept taking it; until I didn’t. I got my one lethal hit in. it ended. It is crazy to me, that we don’t really ever change our underlying behaviors. Can we as adults change them?
Three weeks ago, I would have said to all of you, I would do anything to fix what I broke. Through all that I have learned, I know I can only grieve for my own actions, and let him continue with his own actions. I probably would have fought tooth and nail to rebuild what I broke. There is nothing I would have loved more. I actually went to him with a plan. With all of the right words. I physically could not get out of my car. The world told me it was wrong. I have been working very hard to process, deal, but most importantly; to learn from this. He (as the versions I have received, and ones I have seen) has been continuing along the path that led us to here, and has managed to throw in a few more bad habits. All of which are just digging a bigger hole for him, but I can’t save him, as he never wanted the help. I finally learned that he is happy living how he does, and it was wrong of me to ever try to change it. The problem was that I didn’t know the secret life of him. Had I known, I would have never signed up. Now that I did, I have to let him continue to be in felonious situations. I always said id “hope “ he got better, or I “wished” he’d change one day. I don’t. My wish is that he continues to live how he was in secret, and finally be ok that his happiness lies in that world he needs.
It’s crazy to me things that I always saw one way, were just simply me beating that square peg into that round hole. I couldn’t, for the life of me, stand to not be able to understand something. Now that I do, it seems so strange that it was so very clear. I just didn’t want to open my eyes to it, and let go.
That’s all for now folks!
“Fuck, this hurts so much.”
“I know it hurts. That’s life. If nothing else, It’s life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have. This isn’t a conversation about this being over, it’s, it’s… I’m not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I’m putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I’m- I’m- I’m worried that if I don’t figure myself out, if I don’t go like land on my own two feet, then I’m just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go… you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go. “