We don’t get to pick the physics of our own lives. We have a little control over our location, but no control over how to feel about something, only how to react to it. Therein lays a double edged sword. We can react the way that makes us feel as if it was what we should do, for appearance sake; and let the wound eat at us. We can react the way that we want to, bearing all risk involved of being vulnerable and needing; and let appearance eat at us.
Typically people lie on one side of the fence of this, or the other. It is rare that a person has a natural shift in their life to be the other. It begs to ask, what is more important; how we feel, or how we are seen.
To break down (my version only, of course) the first scenario. You stand your ground. You say what you think is the right thing to say; for physics sake. This is the choice that makes the most sense. This is what “normal’ people would choose. Yes, it hurts like a mother fucker, but this is what I think is the right thing. Now if I could just make it one day without missing them. It will come, because this is the right thing.
“normal” people only seem normal, because we don’t know them. We know what they tell us. They can tell us, “yes I was strong; this is the choice I made.” No. You didn’t. This was the choice that you were left with because all other choices were stripped of you. No one chooses the normality when it comes to love. One of my favorite writers wrote
When love is not madness, it is not love.
Pedro Calderon de la Barca
Ah, YES! That’s more like it. You can love someone. You can be comfortable. Painless. Easy. Complacent. That is not being in love. Being in love is a whole different ball filed and game in itself. That’s what we are talking about here. I have been there. You think you’re in love, and that you’re ok happy….and then you feel the fire of what love is! You cannot unfeel that, and unfortunately boys and girls; you can’t bottle it up. Anyone who says they walked away from love, and took the “high road,” you can go ahead and assume that this person is a liar. More importantly, this person is hurt still. This person’s only saving grace of losing such a thing is that you see them as this strong individual. That society, that family, that we all see them as a strong person.
At the end of the day, when I close my eyes; how many people do I think of how they feel about me?
The two people that I have that love of fire with.
That’s it. I like for people to like me, and see me for me; but I could give two solitary fucks if they didn’t.
Scenario one, this person may or may not have respect of the people he or she seeks. They have a shred of comfort in the fact that they are seen as the person they want to be seen as. Not who they are, boys and girls.
They close their eyes and think of someone, but it is not the people that they are bent on “impressing.”
Scenario two: You say and allow yourself to feel how you feel, and you put it out there. You put your entire ego and any amount of pride that you have aside, because what does it matter. What can you take pride in, when there is not someone to share it with. Sure, you will find someone to share it with, but will you care if you light up their face when you come home? Or will you just be happy that they are there and that they like you. Do you WANT this person to know you hung their moon, or do you want this person to know that you’ll get the dishes; because hey, it’s your routine. (I personally, want this person to come find me doing the dishes, and turn the dishes into a complete different experience; I live with the fire.) You have given up your pride, but what here is different than scenario one? What is the one true differential pattern in the two?
Scenario one; you don’t have one person who knows who you really are. You risk losing who you really are, because hell, you don’t know any more either.
Scenario two: you have at least one person who knows you for you. All appearances aside. The good. The bad. The ugly. Look beside you, are they there? Yes, because they know you, and love you for all of it. Not in spite of it.
“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”
― John Ruskin
Ah! YES! That’s more like it. So you’re vulnerable to one person. Other people may see you as week. Now, you, when you lay down at night to close your eyes at night, who is it that you care about what they think?
The person you exposed yourself to. Not your family, friends, or coworkers. They will continue to not know who you are, and that fire in your life. He or she doesn’t care if they know the real you. So long as they do. Will people talk about you going against the grain? Absolutely. Let me break down the physics of that. People who have nothing better to do, than to judge your actions have a void in their life that they must fill with you. The best part of this, is that people will move on, and find someone else to talk about. The worst part about this is that these people have been in love, they have made dumb mistakes. They have fixed them, and some of them have lost themselves in the meantime. Any person who doesn’t see your being vulnerable has lost that feeling of what it is to truly love, that makes them the sad one. Not you.
My favorite thing to hear during this process was this: “you two always looked so happy in your pictures.” Like WHO THE FUCK stops in a fight and is like, but first; let me talk a selfie. Rob Thomas had an interview one time. Everyone asked him why his songs were so sad. His response? When I’m happy I’m not going to be sitting in studio writing. I’m going to be out with my wife, in love, happy, and enjoying life. It’s the bad days that I write. Not the good ones. Same rules apply.
To whatever side of the fence you reside on in your life; know that both offer good and bad. It’s only up to you which is for. It’s only up to you, what you hold as a precious little fire. For me, I will burn bright until the day I die out. There is no feeling in this world compared to what I feel when I am in love with this man. As for my appearances? I won’t think of any of you when I shut my eyes. I will think of him. I will think of Addy. I will think of x. I will think of oak trees, bare feet, and lots and lots of kissing for no damn reason at all; other than being in love and it feels good.