we seem, so often, in life to find replacements. new shoes to feel better. new hair to look better. new cars to appear better. new clothes to seem better. new people, to just feel. we have, or I have rather, grown up in a society of where we can replace just about anything. this is a good and a bad thing. its a good thing. It has taught us to not sweat the small things in life, but it has also taught us to never latch on; because we don’t have to. something new is right around the corner, should we seek it. people lack commitment to their home, their family, their pets, their loved ones. I have been guilty of all of this. I look back and I think about my great grand father, the best man I ever knew. He had two pairs of shoes. one for the farm, one for church. he wore them until they could not be worn any longer. he didn’t replace them out of want, but out of need. he had two cars. a truck for the vegetables and farm work, and a “town” car. The car is still in our family and has less than 20k miles on it; and he bought it new. I was blessed to have him around 32 of my 35 years. these are the only cars I ever knew him to have. he would watch how many paper towels we used. or if we didn’t reuse saran wrap. every little thing, he made sure we used it until we could not use it anymore, things we so quickly went to just replace with a new one. more so getting into this, my paw paw was married twice. One marriage was to my grandmothers mom, I never got to meet her. she passed of cancer 11 years into their marriage. who I did meet, was grandmother gert. They were married for 58 years, until she passed of cancer. 58 years. I look back on his life then, and apply it to modern day society. he was left a single dad of one, at the age of 29. More so than not, people these days would not live how he did. we have two spectrums to choose from. we hate love, and we fear loss, and we curse God for our losses; or we know we will love again, we know we will lose plenty more, but its better than never having, and we trust that God will bring us something (not better, but different) to make the rest of our days happy. obviously, he chose the second option. I don’t even think he saw the other “option,” it was just natural that he put his faith into something bigger than himself; in his case, God. It worked out for him, he had 58 years very happy years with someone. lots of kids, lots of grandkids, lots of great grandkids (me), and even some great great grand kids. what a blessing to live long enough to experience such a thing.
We just leave relationships now. we see the greener grass on the other side. we don’t stay and do the work. we take the easy out, and then when that one becomes hard, we take the easy out again. it is a cycle of the eternal search. ive done it most of my life. I have most always been the one to leave. I can only think of one person who left before I did, but that was under circumstances under which he had no choice. the last one, was more of a mutual choice. although he had left before, the last round was mutual. I wanted him to go because of his actions, and he couldn’t get out fast enough to proceed in his actions. For those of you who do not know me, I have been married. I kicked him out, and I never looked back. I have a child with someone else. I kicked him out. I never looked back. Neither of these people had huge reasons for us to not work, other than the fact that I didn’t feel the fire. I felt less, when I needed to feel more. this was not a selfish gesture on my behalf, it was in fact the opposite. I knew that I did not, and would not love them, the way that they deserved. they both deserved that. everyone deserves someone who would do anything for them. I knew that I wouldn’t. I had to let go, and I don’t regret either to this day. I have only met one person (daughter aside) that I would have done anything for. one person that I felt so deep in love that it heated my bones. A lot of people never get to have that, I don’t know whether that makes me happy or sad for them. I could have went my entire life without the pain I have experienced, but my God I would not change it for the world, because of the love that I felt. It was a beautiful, uncomfortably heightening experience. If our naked eyes were able to see atoms, I would have surely seen them exploding all around us, just by being in the same room. even now, I feel the fire for him in me. I long for his touch. his smell. just his breath; slowly in pattern with my own. when we slept we would breathe at the same pattern. his heart was always beating faster than mine until I laid my head on his chest, and even our heart beats would sync up. he was always cold. I was always warm. his head fit perfectly on top of mine so that I could lay my head on his chest and hear his heart as I traced his heart tattoo. I find myself waking tracing a heart into my sheets, or in the sheets of where I am. even in slumber my body is reaching for him. in day, night, consciousness, and subconsciously, my body and my mind are reaching for him. I don’t know that this is something that will ever stop. I don’t know if it is even something that I want to stop. Its so hard some days to hear a song, or smell a smell that reminds me of him. in that same token, sometimes I hear or smell something that stops me in my tracks and I remember. I remember the good. I feel the good. I am consumed by the love. I smile. I laugh. I love.
From the only man I ever respected, my paw paw, I have to follow in his foot steps. I know I will love again, I know I will lose plenty more, but its better than never having, and I trust that some higher power will bring me something (not better, but different) to make the rest of my days happy. It may be ten years from today, it may be tomorrow. Like my pawpaw, I will honor the memory of what I lost. that will be where my love lives for now. I will not seek anything, that would dishonor all that he and I ever shared. should something come to me, it does. I don’t seek better. I don’t seek different. although the angels that surround me can be demons in slight moments; I would not want to not remember him for one second. the feeling that comes over me when I think of him is not something I would ever care to get rid of. even the bad memories when they hit, the pain they invoke in me remind me of how strong I feel for him. how strong I was blessed to feel for anyone in my life. Nothing will ever compare to the feeling of that man slowly lowering me to the bed with his hand on the small of my back, the other on the back of my head. Nothing will compare to the feeling he gave me, inside and out. nothing ever will. I can hope for comparable one day. for now I am ok with the moments of ecstasy, devotedness, weakness, adulation, and pure rapture.
“There are a hundred trillion cells in the human body,” she said. “And every single one of the cells of my body loves you. We shed cells, and grow new ones, and my new cells love you more than the old ones, which is why I love you more every day than I did the day before. It’s science. And when I die and they burn my body and I become ashes that mix with the air, and part of the ground and the trees and the stars, everyone who breathes that air or sees the flowers that grow out of the ground or looks up at the stars will remember you and love you, because I love you that much.”