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This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time

I can’t believe I am such a fool for love and madness and sadness and hurt. Of course I will always say yes. I finally was at the brink that I could almost feel your breath on me, and you slammed a door in my face. Your words have hung over me; “knowledge is power,” it is an an exacty quality of yourself. You didn’t want me with you. You didn’t want to see me. You didn’t want to love me. Or touch me. Or feel me. You wanted me to think that you did so that I would open up more wounds to you. To give you knowledge. In turn to give you power and control to say what you wanted to me. You don’t get to say what you want because you assume I’ll forgive. You just don’t get to. You don’t get to wave yourself and our life in front of me like a cat toy, only to lead me from room to room; knowing that you’re going to give it to the dog. You only get to love me. Respect me. Honor me. Build me. Treasure me. You don’t get to keep making me pay. My god I pay every day. I pay every second that my eyes are awake and puddles. I pay every time I start my car and you’re not in it. I pay every morning that I roll over and you are not there. I pay every second addison says your name and I have no answer. I pay every single fucking second of every single fucking day. That’s not enough. You want me to pay more. You want this false hope to live in me that you would ever love me. That you would ever grace my life with you. You know I believe in our fairy tale more than anything and you used it against me again. And I let you. I will always be so stupid to think that I am enough for you. I never was. I never will be. It’s processing this information that is the true task. It processing how someone can say they love someone while holding their fingers crossed behind their back. Just for the sheer power and control over someone who is already powerless. Someone who already cut themselves open and threw themselves to the wolves like asked. What’s enough. I’m not. What is?

Sorry for my rant. I needed a healthy way to do it without sending it to him. Enjoy your Sunday all and be blessed with all that God blessed you to wake up with this very day.
I leave hope here. I leave wishes here. I leave faith here. Mostly I leave us here.

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17 responses to “This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time

  1. What ever makes his precious little God damn ego and pride go pitter patter in the night. He thinks this is hilarious. It’s all a big fucking joke and I am the god damn punch line. I’m. Fucking. Over. It.

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  2. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    I agree with ukash. Maybe he is the one scared. Maybe he is hurt more than he can bear. Maybe he thinks his fears are greater than yours. Maybe he is scared of giving you his all because he has doubts. Just maybe. But you’ll never know while you are running away and hiding with someone that you know in your heart will never compare.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    When the one that will never compare has his own agenda.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    You are just as scared as he is. You choose that if he can’t be ready to deal with this when you demand then he must be okay. That’s just blame shifting young lady. If you haven’t spoken with him, then you don’t know what’s in the boy’s head.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right. I can’t. I can act in the appropriate way when I’m told one thing and the polar opposite daily. I can control how I react to that in my future as a single woman. He’s had two months to deal. He’s choosing to not deal. He’s choosing to drink every drink on the east coast as opposed to following his heart. I choose to not wait on him to find the bottom of his glass. It has no bottom anymore. It’s his new life. I have mine.

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  5. The game got rained out. That’s for sure. Thanks. That made me cry. Thank you. So so much. I’m done after that. Guys over fear for sure. It took everything in me. I put in one hell of an effort. I’ll never be strong enough to face his automated firing squad that’s always aimed at me.

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  6. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    Then forget him and move on to the best substitute for happiness that you can find. Don’t end up bitter and alone. I wanted it to work for you so bad, so that I could live vicariously through someone actually finding and living in true love. I don’t think love ever wins anymore. It’s just bullshit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lord don’t live vicariously through me! Lot of pain there. I’ll never forget him and im ok with being still for now. He’s my one but I am not his. I just need to be very still for now until I’m ready to pounce again. Love is grand and im glad I live with it in my heart.

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  7. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    Love is the very worst thing ever to beguile humanity. I had such hope for you young lady. I prayed. I cried. I invested so much emotion.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    The love may fade. His face may become harder to see. The person you choose to substitute for him may distract you just enough. But your heart will always ache. It will never be enough.

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  9. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    Which part young lady? Which part?

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  10. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    I am at a loss yoing lady. I want you happy. How did I end up so emotionally invested in a woman that I don’t know?

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    • With lots of time and lots of work I’ll be happy one day. For now I just don’t sleep don’t eat. Wake up in night terrors. It’s been normal life for about 4 months now. It’s 5am in nc and here I am up because I woke up tracing the sheets.

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