I can’t believe I am such a fool for love and madness and sadness and hurt. Of course I will always say yes. I finally was at the brink that I could almost feel your breath on me, and you slammed a door in my face. Your words have hung over me; “knowledge is power,” it is an an exacty quality of yourself. You didn’t want me with you. You didn’t want to see me. You didn’t want to love me. Or touch me. Or feel me. You wanted me to think that you did so that I would open up more wounds to you. To give you knowledge. In turn to give you power and control to say what you wanted to me. You don’t get to say what you want because you assume I’ll forgive. You just don’t get to. You don’t get to wave yourself and our life in front of me like a cat toy, only to lead me from room to room; knowing that you’re going to give it to the dog. You only get to love me. Respect me. Honor me. Build me. Treasure me. You don’t get to keep making me pay. My god I pay every day. I pay every second that my eyes are awake and puddles. I pay every time I start my car and you’re not in it. I pay every morning that I roll over and you are not there. I pay every second addison says your name and I have no answer. I pay every single fucking second of every single fucking day. That’s not enough. You want me to pay more. You want this false hope to live in me that you would ever love me. That you would ever grace my life with you. You know I believe in our fairy tale more than anything and you used it against me again. And I let you. I will always be so stupid to think that I am enough for you. I never was. I never will be. It’s processing this information that is the true task. It processing how someone can say they love someone while holding their fingers crossed behind their back. Just for the sheer power and control over someone who is already powerless. Someone who already cut themselves open and threw themselves to the wolves like asked. What’s enough. I’m not. What is?
Sorry for my rant. I needed a healthy way to do it without sending it to him. Enjoy your Sunday all and be blessed with all that God blessed you to wake up with this very day.
I leave hope here. I leave wishes here. I leave faith here. Mostly I leave us here.