I have to say, that at this point in my life, I am so confused as to the difference of fear, heartbreak, sadness, and remorse. Maybe because I slammed myself and others with this feeling, simultaneously, that it’s hard to differentiate them. Maybe they all feel the same. I have been through break ups. I have been sad. It is clear to me, that I had yet to be heartbroken. I thought maybe I had, until I actually was. I was sad before. I was in a sense of mourning, but not heartbroken. It is exactly that. Your heart physically hurts. You sometimes even wonder whether or not you will actually wake from the extreme pain of it. It hurts in every cell of your body. That’s a heartbreak, and god how it hit me. Even in the times that I numbed it, I still felt it. I would just simply pass out with the pain; only to awake not enough hours later with a matching headache. There is not enough sleep medicine to make you sleep through it. There are not enough days to make it through. There is damn sure not enough pride to hide the shame you feel. You just don’t care if people see you that way, because you can’t help it. We can all parade around with a big cocky smile, but one song will put you in your place, very quickly; and you better be around people who give a shit when that happens. In my criminal minds marathon. (I don’t get into the details) but one lady had gone through a lot. All of the agents were shocked as she was acting like everything was ok. Like nothing had happened. She was so well adjusted, to the naked eye. Her boss sat her down and said he only asked one thing of her. “You are ok today. You might be ok tomorrow, but there is going to come a day that the air is wrong, and you will not be ok when it is. I want you to tell me when that day comes. “She did. It was one small thing that knocked her on her ass. She then replied that today was a bad day. You can be fine, until your body and mind remind you that you are not. In that moment, you can’t fool yourself, much less the strangers around you; so you retreat. In retreating you turn to your thoughts. Your thoughts that aren’t fully evolved (because you have been avoiding them) you then grow with more anger. More resentment. More pain. You go to bed, and begin the cycle again. I am sure that there are many ways out. I chose the out of breaking the cycle. By being around others when I least want to be. Mind you I have been horrible company, but my friends know that I will pay them back with the best of me when I get back to being the best. I’ve chose to get up and think about something else instead of wallowing. I’ve chose to look, actually look, at a different approach. For most of the time, this works. Of course this doesn’t always work to my favor, as I am not perfect, and in those times; I write. My point is this, thoughts can be powerful, but thoughts can also be poison. It’s very important to process them properly; but it’s also important to feel them. We give power to things so it’s essential to give them power, but not to fuel them to the point of destructing ourselves.
It’s encouraged, and applauded to be free thinkers. The failure in this is that so many people want to tell us how to feel, or how to think. People life to have some sort of impact on our thought process, mostly out of a controlling perspective, and partly over them not wanting to make their own decisions. Having good friends is essential to growth. Being a good friend to you is crucial. Only we can decide what’s right for our lives. I say this, mainly, because only we know is. In previous blogs I went over how we only tell people what we feel comfortable telling them. We never tell our friends or family the whole story. Making their advice a good sounding board, but it’s up to us to figure into the formula what their thoughts would be given the factual not the actual of what they are given. Anyways, word press has been screwy today, so that’s my writing for today. Be blessed in all you do.
“And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.”
― Paulo Coelho