Well, here “we” are. The day has come, and it packed one hell of a finale. My knuckles are bruised and my tongue is bleeding. I fought as hard as I could for him. My fight started too late. The value of things lost, and other sorted themes. I know things to be true that I did my changing. I provided all of my truths, knowing the cost. I provided my bleeding heart and soul at his very door step, as he asked. I found forgiveness in me for him, things I didn’t think that I would ever be able to forgive. I exposed to all of you that he was all that I wanted, no matter the damage done. Most all of you accepted it, because I think you all saw how happy we were, well me at least. I am actually blown away at the amount of acceptance from all of you, so thank you. Of course a few people would have told me I was an idiot, but these are the same people I cut out because I knew their agendas. They didn’t want me happy, they just wanted me; in whatever shape I would appear to them. We have to be weary of such people portraying as friends. They will always show their stripes in time. Learned, and not even sad about the “loss” of them. The times that I turned to them, and now looking back that their advice was full of themselves, not my best interest.
Sometimes we wait too late to fight, and sometimes people hold no forgiveness; for anyone. I knew this quality of him; I’d seen him cut people loose for less, so I knew the cost. I’ve learned to let my own forgiveness be enough for me. I tried the path he lives (Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.) It served its purpose for a few weeks, and then I decided I needed more. I didn’t want to feel the pain, but I knew if I never felt it; I would never heal. I am, and have always been, all over the map with how I feel. It is one of the good qualities that I possess. I love with no limits; I love to the point of sheer agony. I learned that with him. I learned, as I was going to do unthinkable things just to be with him, that I had no boundaries to loving him, even if it had meant sharing him. Truth being, I always kind of shared him. With exes. with female aqaintences. with strangers. he was never just mine, so I shiver to think how much more intense the love would have been, had I ever known the feeling of him loving just me. He got to experience the feeling of me loving only him, and he can say a lot of things about me, but he knows that to be fact. I may have not always been forthcoming about things that I knew would upset him (because I hated fighting with him….and I also didn’t want him thinking badly of me) but the man was my one and only for the time that he held my face in his hands. The fear of being honest about such tiny little things, because he would think less of me…yet loading the cannon to make him hate me. Makes sense right.
I am actually at peace with it. It hurts like a mug, but I knew that I gave it my all, and I knew I wasn’t enough. We actually parted on good terms for the first time ever today, so there’s that; if nothing else. Finally it wasn’t a parting of hateful words. It was an I love you and you love me, but I can’t do this; to which I have to say ok. I don’t have a choice, as you cannot make someone love you. They will just resent you even more. I finally gave a small sacrifice to match his own and my god it hurt like hell; so I finally got to feel a small portion of all he went through to come to me. I get it, he has been beating it in my head since we met that he would never be good to me. That he would never treat me good. That other people are always going to appeal to him, more than myself. That he would never love me how I loved him. In leaving, I suppose that I have to find a shred of humor in the fact that he told me that he would do all of this to me, and I jumped in head first regardless. I told him no bad would come to him, and it did. that makes him a better person for saying that he would, it makes me an idiot for not listening, and believing that history wouldn’t repeat itself with me.
that I was worthy. that I was special. that I was the one.
so from here, we just go, and take the gloves off. I digress into my world of distraction and activities to keep me busy. I plan on shooting a lot of shit this weekend. I intended on coming back to my blog with new topics, now that this one was sealed and mailed. I plan on sticking to my religion of being good to people, and letting them be good to me. I had been absent from it for so long, that I forgot that it does bring its own good karma. You surround yourself with good, and good surrounds you right back. You feel better. You look better. You live better. You keep growing, but you fully realize that there will be days that the sun is not going to shine on you. In these days you cling to the good around you and hold on tight, because the sun will be back. ; As it worships you as you do it.
As for my little tom cat, he has landed on his feet, and we know he will be ok. Anyone who carries the amount of love that we sent with him is impossible at failing. I wear him in the form of a bird. One for every year. I always kind of knew I wasn’t enough for him to ever clip his wings.
Absentee weekend. Ive got probably the best playlist arranged. Ive got some packing to do. Ive got my camera. Heres to new memories and endings.