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The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.

I had no intentions on writing anything today, or the next day for that matter. I suppose there has to be this constant balance found of over flooding feelings, and impulse control. Its been a day in itself all day long, but its been ok. In the midst of my rant, it was pointed out to me that I have a lot to be happy for. To be blessed for. In this, there is so much truth, but I have just as much to be in mourning for. It is funny how the outside tries to make you feel better with the right words, and you try to listen. It will never work, because they don’t have the right words. You, yourself, do not even potentially know the right words. Fragments of different statements attempted to make me feel better, or just feel. You have a new car Melissa.
Yeah but I don’t have the map to a new place with my family at my side in it; while we search for the ultimate playlist. My favorite was when he would play a song for me, and then me him. It was communication at its finest, as music always spoke volumes to us. This back and forth got us through so many long road trips.
You have a nice house, to be your age.
I do. I am proud of that. I don’t have any laughter in it. I don’t have a lot of love in it. I have a lot of sadness in it; growing more by the day. I have walls that remind me of all we were finally starting to build his last round “home.” I have pictures that I will never hang, because I want to be out of that house as much as possible; and as fast as possible. I have a tie that lays there, that I refuse to move; because it is all I have left of him. It brings a sad amount of comfort. I have a mirror that used to be covered in love notes, that I try my damndest to not look into. I have a shower, that everytime I use it I picture his hands all over me. I picture me on my knees, or him on his. I picture an entire can of shaving cream sprayed every where. Fuck a house. I had a home.
You changed your hair, that’s a small beginning to feel better.
Yeah, I wanted change. Guess what it got me. The one person I wanted to tell me how beauitiful I looked, cant stand the image of me. I don’t have him to play with it until I fall asleep on his chest. I don’t have him to pull it and to remind me of my place in bed with him. I don’t have him making fun of what a mess it is. I don’t have him and Addison attempting to comb it.
You have lots of friends.
No, I have a lot of people who mean well, but I have one friend who I give a shit about. I have one person that I cant wait to call and tell them my good/bad news. I have a lot of people in my life with agendas. People who just want gossip on me, or people who are bidding their time to sleep with me. I am well aware of who is in my life and who isn’t.
I have a comfy bed, but no mind blowing sex in it. I have new perfume, but not him to smell my neck and give me chills. Every time he came near me, I was covered in chills. I have new make up, but no one to mess it up in the sheets with me. I have new dresses, but no him to rip it into shreds. I have new bras, but not him to rip it off with his teeth. I have new panties, but not him to pull them to the side in a hurry. I have new heels, but no him to smack my ass because he cant stand not to. I have new toys, but no him to send me voice messages of what I am allowed to do with them. I don’t have bruises. I don’t have shaking legs. I walk around in my state, day dreaming off to what all I don’t have.
So fuck what I have. I want to fuck what I don’t have.

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