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I don’t want to die without any scars~chuck palahniuk

Loss is the root all kinds of emotions. Anger, Depression, Sadness, and sometimes joy, depending on what was lost. But almost always the loss of something is not a happy time. Mostly people are upset, or angry, or can get severely depressed. These are all emotions that came from the shock of what you lost. People will weep for days on end, and not be able to eat, these things cause physical changes in you, not just emotional. So not only can loss change you emotionally, but physically too. Sometimes this can cause people to get very sick, and then people are afraid of losing them, and the cycle can start all over again. Loss doesn’t seem like a word that could have this much power, but it has more power over us than we could ever imagine.
I have experienced a relatively small amount of loss in my life. Oscar Wilde says “sometimes goodbyes come in waves.” It is true. Most of my losses have always been back to back, and not much has changed about that. For years my sister and I would mostly hibernate through the month of September. We had two grandparents pass in September, she lost her brother, and I lost my best friend and God child. I have to say that was in 1999, but the loss is just as fresh today as it was yesterday. I still get choked up to talk about it.
My recent losses have not been that of death, and for that I am blessed; but a loss of something in your everyday life still hurts the same. In a sense those things are gone, just in a very different way. My first loss was of a child. This one eats at me every day. I never wanted any children. I was so blessed when I had my daughter. I would sing to her when I was pregnant. I would read her stories. I would let her listen to music. I would put a flashlight on my belly and steer her to where I needed her to lay. I was sick the entire time, and I mean every single day. I swore I never wanted to do it again. Without getting into too much for the strangers on here, she had some complications and is not deemed to be “normal,” but she is the realest thing in the world to me. I have never seen something so tough, resilient, and full of heart. The road has not been easy; but no one’s road is. Our road has just been different. I met this guy years ago, and I knew from the second I met him that I wanted all of that with him. I can’t explain the connection; I can just tell you that I remember everything about the day we met, down to exactly what he was wearing and how he stood, and where. I wanted the normal experience. I wanted to braid pigtails, or throw footballs. I wanted the slumber parties, and the making a mess in the kitchen while trying to make daddy breakfast. I wanted my daughter to have someone to take care of her long after he and I were gone. Someone she could rely on, like I had come to rely on him. I had a brief time that Addison had a little girl that always stayed the night. She was like her sister; it would make me laugh to no end to hear them in there sneaking around playing way after bed time. I wasn’t even mad, it was something she loved, and she flourished with it in her life. I don’t want these things anymore. The equation is no longer that of what it was, and the math problem is just off now. I lost that child due to stupidity on both parts. I will forever mourn him or her. I will plant a flower on the anniversary of their due date until the day I can no longer. They are up there looking down on me, reminding me to think things through before I act, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
My second loss was him. I have to say I did a lot to lose him, and he did some as well. I lost him long before I ever had him. I didn’t trust the feeling of life actually being that good. That someone could make me feel that way, because it had never happened before. Never have I had chill bumps just from someone breathing. I have to say the pain from this has been a huge contestant to the amount of pain I felt when I lost my great grandfather. It has paralyzed me at times, and still does in moments. I still don’t eat or sleep, but I don’t cry all day anymore. You have to take the small blessings as they come. It is crazy how you can be so completely invested in another person, and you don’t fully realize it until it’s gone. I had so many walls up. I couldn’t believe things he was saying to me. I just thought that they were out of jealous rages, but he was right about a lot that I didn’t see. There was a lot of jealousy, but I think that he knows that I was always committed to him. I was a lot of defensive things rolled into one, but I was a damn fine lover. I was very good at loving him, just a little poor at loving myself. I was off limits, because I already felt so much that I didn’t think I could handle what all of it would have felt like. Irony being; now I do know. I feel the power of all of it, just in a very different way now. He is very well adjusted, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
My third loss was my pups. Rugs was given to us as a gift when I threw my very first benefit. He was such a good dog. So kind and gentle. Never chewed up anything, only used the bathroom in the house if he was sick. All he wanted was a lot of love and time from us; it just was something I never felt like I’d be able to give him. I’m having trouble finding it to give to myself. Paired with a lot of travel and never being home, I gave him up in the hopes of chasing a dream that was waved before me. I cried, man how I cried. I was told that I could come see him at any time but I think it’s just best that I don’t. He has made the best of friends with Duncan, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
My last, and hopefully last loss, is my Jordan. I have stayed many of nights at the hospital and I can only remember one that she wasn’t with me. She is an absolute nut case, but she always made me laugh. She could always see when I was in the mix of things, and she would be so annoyingly stupid, just to make me laugh. We’ve done slumber parties and gone clothes and make up shopping. We’ve watched a lot of movies, and we’ve had a lot of hot tea downtown. She showed me to get out and not sit in it anymore. She tried to get me to burn all that I had, but I just couldn’t yet. Something won’t let me. She has been in my daughter’s life since she was 5 months old, and I know it’s going to be a huge hit to her when she sees her get on that plane. She’s been in mourning for months, and now she must begin a new path of it. She is strong because of Jordan. We have skype and technology, and for that I carry a piece of happiness.
I have cried more in the last three months than I think I have collectively in my life. I have felt more in these months than I ever have. All of this was brought into perspective as I watched someone very close to me break down today. He’s seen that side so many times of me, and has been nothing short of stellar. I didn’t know he had it in him. I didn’t know how bad it would affect me to see it. We both just cried. He is facing a loss due to sickness and he has to be the strong one for his family, so no one has seen him break down; and he finally did. I have told my ex, you’ll be in the least expected spot when it hits you, and it’s true. When you just can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore, you just have to drop it, you won’t have a choice. You can only pray for there to be someone there with no hidden agendas to help you glue it back piece by piece. It is ok for people to see you weak; it reminds them that you are human. I listened to a flooding of emotions from my friend this morning. It rang so much truth. It’s not fair. There are far worse people that these things could happen to. It’s not supposed to be this way. They’re a good person. They are too young. This is all completely relatable. The difference is this person is facing death; but we all are. I have to wake up each day and know that I did everything in my power to tell those that I love that I loved them. More so I have to spend every day showing them, because words just become words. I have to know that I have thanked God for everything in my life, and pray that I wake with it again tomorrow. I have to be kind to all that I meet, and I have to learn to be kind to me. I have to know that I lived everyday doing exactly what it is that I wanted to do, and saw who I wanted to see, because tomorrow is not promised. In sickness, in accidents, in intervention, in wrong places wrong times; this could be the last thing that I ever write.
Should that be the case, I know where I wanted to be. I know that I didn’t want to waste any more days, praying that tomorrow does come so that maybe 20 tomorrows from then, I would be worth your hand on my cheek.
I make a lot of mistakes in life, none really huge; I’m going to make more. What I won’t mistake will be being a good person. Being truthful. Being honest. Being dedicated. Being exactly who I say I am. I will love with everything in me and be blessed for those who are open to receiving it. I will live as if there is no tomorrow, because this may be all we have. For that, I carry a tremendous amount of courage.


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