What a damn day. Running on one hour sleep has gotten to be my new self; I might need a weekend to hibernate in time for vacation. I may have a rare sad day few and far between, but look for the blog to be more upbeat from now on. I finally got the answers that I knew (well most of them) This town likes to talk. It seems half of the town wants you with someone, and pushes you there; the other half is defiantly the opposite. Most truths have now all came out enough for me to burn the suitcase. I know enough of the situation to know that it won’t pan out, because they are too much alike; but for now I wish them all of the luck in the world. It changed the entire dynamic. I had taken him back through all of his festivities in all of the years, but a confession of love is on a whole different level. You can’t love two people at the same time, so it made all of the words spoken to me null and void. Wish I could say that I am shocked. It’s the old tale, how do I pick which one to be with? The second one, because if you loved the first one, you wouldn’t have sought the second one. I couldn’t be more grateful for him finally being honest with me and giving me my freedom back; no matter the cost. I finally have answers that I can give my daughter, my job, and my friends. I actually ate a meal, I can’t remember the last time I had.
Here’s the thing about me, when I love…I fucking love. I dedicate and I cherish. I don’t steer. I hold onto it like it is as essential as the air that I breathe, because it is. I realize that I am a rare breed in all that I am, and I have no fear of my happiness waiting on me to greet it.
I am one of the guys. I go to sporting events. I eat hot dogs. I drink beer. I don’t do the club scene, I do a bar. I shoot pool. I play darts. I now shoot guns and ride dirt bikes. I get ready in 15 minutes. I don’t care if I break a nail. I will lift weights side by side with you. I will watch porn with you. I will get dirty and not care about my hair. I will compete with you, and I will win sometimes. I will get mad if you try to let me win.
I am a nurturer. I cook for you when you are sick. I wake you up to make sure that you take your medicine. I get mad at you when you don’t take your medicine or don’t go to the doctor. I baby you until you are 100%, because I know you would do the same for me.
I am a considerate person. I am always thinking of small things to do to make you smile throughout your entire day. You will wake up to a note that I love you. You will come home to arrows taped all over the wall to lead you to a prize. I will hide notes in your lunch box. You will hear from me all day about how much you mean to me. I will plan special days from leaving town to couples massages. I will always let you know where I am going. If I am going to the store, I will always ask if you need something. I will pick you up stuff at the store regardless. I will order things online that I know that you will love, but that you’d never buy. You will wake up and find that I ordered you your very own pizza. All meat.
I am a real woman. You will wake up to your lunch already made for you. I will have your coffee made for you. I will have dinner ready for when you come home. I will have your laundry done. I will have the house cleaned. I will give you Eskimo kisses. I will rub your back and chest uncontrollably. I will be in lingerie unannounced to greet you at the door. I will make love to you all day and night. I will leave marks on you, and make sure that you leave some on me; through passion. I will do as I am told. I will send you pictures of whatever you ask, whenever you ask. I will text you about how wet I am throughout the day, and tell you what about you made me that way. I will beg for many quickies. I will make you scream. When it is all done, I will lay on you and rub you some more. I will again remind you what you mean to me. Sometimes I will cry out of being so happy and blessed to have you. I will kiss you goodnight, and I will wake ready to do it again.
Some people can hold their end of this deal up for a few short months, but I will do these things every day of my life, I have proven that. As much as you think that these things are about you; they’re not. They make me happy to do all of these things for you. Seeing you happy will be the reward for it all. I am a whole lot all rolled into one.
Don’t get me wrong. I am going to piss you off. I am going to be overly sensitive some times. I am going to be upset sometimes if we don’t get to make love for a day. You are going to say something that I am going to take wrong. I am going to pout. I am going to cry. Some days I will just be sad.
In all of that, I promise to tell you why. I promise to be the one who ends the fight, just don’t refuse to end it. When I come down and sit on your lap and beg baby please come to bed, don’t start a new fight. I am not asking you to forgive me in that second, but I am asking you to put it on pause until the next day; because tomorrow won’t be promised.
Through my small amounts of bad you can know that I will never cheat on you. I will never have eyes for anyone but you. I will love you with every ounce of me, and I will never let go. I know that I am the best of both worlds. I know that I am a precious little prize. I know what amazing things lie within me. I know I will find all of the amazing things in you.
For whoever you are, and where ever you are; I am ready. The grieving process is over and I’m ready to kick ass again and leave my mark on this spinning heaven. I have no doubt you will be easy to find.
For the one who threw me away if you ever read this, all of me was yours. I know I had a hand is messing up but I righted every wrong to you, you never would do the same. You know the power in my eyes and the love in my smile. May it live in your head for the rest of your days.
Everyone have a safe weekend. Love and be loved to the utmost of your ability.
“This is to the girl who got into my head with all the pretty things she did. Hey baby you know that you keep me up in bed. It’s to a girl who got into my head with all the fucked up things I did. Hey maybe baby you could keep me up in bed my Konstantine”