I went back and read through a lot of this blog today. It was mentioned to be a rollercoaster. I feel like it was more like a carousel. A roller coaster would insinuate changes, a carousel more so represents passing by the same ideas and same notions over and over. When I look to see and think that a lot has changed, but in actuality; not much has. The situation today relates to the same that it did when I started writing again; the stances are different, but the common denominators are the very same. I started writing again when an old friend gave me a journal. A friend that was with me in my sobriety back then. He remembered how much I used to write and suggested that I use it as my outlet again, for if I didn’t; I would drown. He was very right and it’s been very lethargic, and is a far better option than the methods that I was using; although I tend to stumble into those on occasion still. They are getting more far and few between by the weeks, so silver lining. My head spins to hear all of what I have been doing, stuff I didn’t even know I was doing; I only pray that I had fun while doing so. I spent a portion of my day today correcting mistruths, then it occurred to; I just don’t care. People are always going to have their opinions, and I am never going to care. It seems everyone wants to tell a story; but never one of themselves or one of truth. I am blessed to not be an “everyone.” I am somebody, and am finally (through lots of hard work of very good people) starting to see that again. Don’t misunderstand, I have high moments of lucidity where it all hits me, but I just go on to the next thing to make me keep moving in the right direction. These moments use to be a place of peace for me; reflecting on him and us and our family. Now when these moments hit, they make me sick to my stomach. I empty my stomach and I try to focus on something else. I don’t get sick on the time we spent, I don’t get sick out of anger; I get sick out of a pure acquiescence ending. Be careful what you wish for, right? Everything happens in stages, and it seems the stages are just flying by at this point. You’re just sitting there watching your life. It’s like postcards being thrown in a fire and you can only sit and watch; you are no longer able to help put out the flames. When someone fights you so hard for so long, finally you realize it is just easier to join their side of the battle; for they must have more knowledge than you on the right things to do. One day it will seem to be the right and okay thing, as the stages fly by I am assured that stage will present itself in its own time and place. For now I just dress the part, greet my day and let it all hit me as it may, and let my weakness show in its moments. I still love and care about him very much, this will always remain true. When you love someone that much, it honestly brings you a peace to see them happy; especially when you have seen them unhappy for so long. Partly due to you, and partly due to just not being happy with you. It brings a peace, and sometimes it brings a pain; a lot of the time it just brings pure bile. Literally. I have deleted so many comments on here these last couple of days. You see, when I write I am not asking for anyone’s opinion on the situation. I am not asking for feedback (although sometimes you guys have some great pieces of wisdom for me, and I am grateful) I am merely putting pen to paper, if you will. It’s the moments that it is over running my head, and my heart, and it beats the alternative of what I would normally do in this situation. Some of you have spoken ill of him, I will never condone that from anyone; let that be known here and now. Not one person knows him, and we don’t speak ill of people we don’t know. You can speak truth of someone you know, but not ill of them. Some of you have urged me to keep fighting for him, and for us. Anyone who knows me knows I fought until every ounce of me laid open and exposed, and I let the vultures have their feast with me. I don’t have the fight anymore. Its taken energy from my child and from my life, and for no purpose. It was all wasted energy, but I would not change any of it for one second. It has all came in its own time and place, and it has all taught me a lesson. If we grow and learn, if even just a little each day; we have won. Even when it feels like we have lost, we must reach for the silver lining. I had to let go of the weight of it, although it hurt like hell. I am having a lot of moments where I am happy and laughing and singing and dancing and snorting laughing. I am having moments where I do the very opposite. One is starting to outweigh the other. I have been steering clear of social media, for every time I am on there; another rumor begins. It has been nice to be living under a rock again. I needed to do a lot more of that when I was with him; but that is neither here nor there at this juncture. I have learned to put my phone away when I am with company. I have been glued to it for most of my life, and even more so lately; just holding my breath on a word from him. I learned to put it up and to enjoy time with who I am with, because it’s just manners. A lot of this worries a lot of you, but do know I would let you know if I were not ok. Hell, I come to most all of you when I am not. You all worry so much. When I post a song, it is because it hit me. I feel something from it. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me happy. It made me something, it made an impact and I share so that maybe it lest brighten your day. These things are all a chronological gathering of all my thoughts, hopes, fears, beginnings. It is something that I can look back years from now and see how I got to be ok. To remind me how hard to always fight. To remind me what I have gone through. To remind me what I put others through. To remind me of all that I lost. It is nothing more than that, so please stop worrying if you don’t hear from me via phone, Facebook, Instagram, twitter, what have you. I like the off the grid thing for now. It is important to get back to the bare basics when you have lost it all, physically and emotionally. I love and miss him very much, and I appreciate the fact that all of you have tried to “help” in your own little way; steering me one way or another. I didn’t ask for help. I don’t want it. This is something that I created myself, and something that I must keep repairing myself. When and if I want opinions, ill surely ask. I had to tell him 100 times, and I needed to re-read the blog today “no man ever steps in the same river twice.” It is all still very true. Others opinions and thoughts of me and him or anything in between, have no bearing on me and carry no weight. There were two people that were there the entire time. There were tons beating on the door to tell lies one after another, but there were two there every day. Meaning, there is only one person whose opinion of me through it all matters. As far as Tom, dick, and harry; I do not think of them before I close my eyes at night. He has made his peace with me, and quit carrying hate for me; I think finding love helped him let go. For that huge blessing, I am thankful. I needed to right my wrongs to him, I needed him to know and remind him of what we had. We were able to do that and proceed in life. If that is the best thing to have come of it all, I can’t say I am grateful; but I must be okay with it. Peace be with you all tonight, for my friends on here, I love you. We just keep going, the second you stop; this earth will swallow you up whole. You just keep kicking rocks, fully realizing you are kicking rocks when you used to be kicking something far more meaningful.
“Life is random and fucked-up and arbitrary, until you find someone who can make sense of it all for you— if only temporarily. Let me tell ya. You got to pay attention to signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it’s a sin if you don’t reach back… I’m telling you. I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”
Silver Linings Playbook