Today has been an extremely hard day. I have little by little been trying to move on, fully knowing that I can’t and that I won’t. The choice was made and I hit the floor and my knees buckled. It wasn’t like the first few times where I still had hope. I felt the weight of how final this choice was and what it meant to what he and I had together. Don’t get me wrong, I am so very happy for him. He deserves a new start away from here; I just never thought he would leave me and Addy behind. He is a good man and I knew that he would find work; I had just intently prayed each night that he would find it closer. I made all of the calls that I could to help that to happen. It is my fault that he is having to leave so I tried to do what I could to get him to stay. I don’t mind the run ins. I like to pass him out in town and see a smile on his face. Of course I would have preferred me by his side, in not seeing him and worrying for him, it was always good to see him and know that he was ok. That he was safe. That he was sound. I’m not going to have that anymore. God has worked so hard to have us cross paths for all of our adult life. It is crazy to me how many times we would tell stories, and we were always in the same places at the same times and sometimes with the same people. The way we met was through behaviors that neither of us have exhibited again, it was just a fluke and a fluke that we made on the same day that brought us to each other. Hell I never would have someone I didn’t know comes see me at work, and he would never take time out of work to go see someone he didn’t know. We did, for some reason, in that moment we did; and it was the best day of my life. He will arguably say that it was the worst day of his, and I can see why. I know it was the best one in mine. His smell was perfect. We stood there talking outside and we ended up standing everywhere in that breezeway literally in a circular motion. I would move and he would move the same direction to where we circled the entire thing. The world started spinning that moment. In one conversation. It was like there was this force between the two of us. When one did something, the other reacted perfectly to accommodate that action. This applies to all things big and small of us. It was always a dance. It was always perfectly constructed. This force that sits between the two of us, that I am fairly certain will never go away. We have always been in this sphere spinning on the positive axis with equal reactions, always. the sphere is about to be busted, so I know any pain I have felt up until now is going to fail in comparison to the pain that comes that the day the sphere is broken. It’s always been ever present in our lives, and we never knew it. Now we do and we both have to feel it explode. It is not going to be good and I cannot even start to process that the fallout is going to hurt way worse than we already hurt. There is so much power between the two of us that I wish we would have been smart enough to use it for good, but we weren’t. I tried to fix that wrong, I tried to be exactly what he wanted of me, what I promised him years ago that I would be. It was too late for him to see me, and I can’t blame him. I can only blame myself for that. May we both be enveloped and embodied by hate, just for different reasons. My hate is for myself and what I did, for no good reason.
Everyone has always spoken about the connection between the two of us. That they could just see it, even in pictures. Even when we weren’t together the pull kept us together. Same places. Same times. Same moves. The universe is smarter than he and I decided that we wanted to be at the time.
I wake up. I open my eyes. I never asked him for any of his honesty. I didn’t think it was fair of me. So much was already told of him to me, and never did he have the advantage of having the same. I believed a lot more than I should have. Mostly because of even one of the lies being true led to me to the idea that they could have all plausibly been true. I read over and over and look it over and I can see clear as day which things were false accusations and which were true. I never needed to know more. Maybe he wouldnt have lied to me if I had been fully open to him. I will never know the answer to that riddle, but in my truest of times; I know the answer.
I tried to rewrite the answer. He couldn’t take the leap, and I can’t blame him yet again; only me. I have people in my life who cannot get why I still love him so deeply. Why I fought so deeply. These people don’t know what I did to him. They don’t know what he did to me. Beyond that, they don’t know what he did FOR me. What I did FOR him. That’s what everything boils down to. What we did for each other, not what we did to each other. They know nothing; they speak as if they know an ounce of it. They never will. Only he and I.
I made my changes for him. I made my changes for you if you are reading this. I was going to come with you. I was making the leap.
Anytime you saw a small thing, it threw you back into believing that I had not changed, but that was your anger in you, which I fully get. That’s why I understood not seeing you until all of the anger was gone because I needed you to see me in actuality, not in the light of which I acted. You spoke of a smirk on my face. That it reminded you of me catching you in something. In anger that’s what you say. In reality you know that smirk is the smile that I wear for you. It is my crooked smile that you fell in love with. I told you a very long time ago that it is the only way to tell if I am really smiling, or faking it. Seeing your face that day, even in passing, flooded me with so much love. That was the closest I had been to you in what feels like forever. For those two seconds that we sat side by side, life felt ok again. I knew it wasn’t, but the axis had leveled out for just a brief moment and quit spinning in insanity. I would have done all of the promises that I told you that I would make and keep to you. I would have loved you and laid beside of you and never know the meaning of the word regret again. I would have never cost any of us what I helped cost us the first time. For the first time we were ironing it all out. We were being cordial. We were making progress. I would have made your three hour drive. I would have paid to ship Addy’s bed to you so that we could stay weekends. I would have poured my savings into driving to you. I would have been happy. I would have been at home. My soul would be with its mate. (Yes I have said soul mate to someone before. I also said I loved them, I never knew what either meant until the likes of you. I never will again) all of the little things that you hated about me, I have changed. I hate my phone. I hate Facebook. I hate drinking. I hate lying in bed all day. I hate not traveling. I hate me.
I look at some of the dick things that I did just for no reason and I kick myself repeatedly. Like I was winning something. Some sort of fucking prize. I was losing a little more each day, and I was the only one doing it to myself. We both had a chance to win here. We had a chance to prove tom dick and harry wrong. We had a huge shot at winning the whole damn thing. You and I and Addy and a yet to be named gorgeous little girl with red hair and brown eyes. The power that was given to us the second god put us in his sphere together 11/7/1978, that’s the very power that would have kept the world out of it. We would have continued to spin perfectly on that axis, complimenting each other as well as any two things ever possibly could have. It’s what we were best at. Loving each other. We were so bad at loving ourselves. We know the price. For the first time in either of our stubborn lives, we both now know regret. We know pain and anguish. We had managed to escape pain and hurt all of our lives up until now.
I don’t want to know loss anymore.
I am sorry for every wrong I ever committed to you. I was done doing that. I think you saw that, at least I hope you did. I also hoped that you would have found some forgiveness for me as I built the trust back for us. I would have paid the extra for the two bedroom. I would have left all the bullshit where I promised to leave the bullshit the first time. Outside. I believe that you would have as well. I believe in you. I believe in us.
My job was loving you. I was good at it. Your job was your love, and I took it. I can never apologize enough, but I am thankful that you were kind enough to hear my “reasoning” on it.
I made so many mistakes. Mostly all small, one really huge one. Over all I like to think that I was good to you. That I loved you enough. That I made you happy at the end of the day. That I brought you comfort when I lay on your chest. That I brought you peace on occasion. Sometimes you didn’t crave peace, you sought the opposite. Some times I hand delivered the opposite. You came to me in times of trouble and we started it all wrong and it just built from there, but my god our love and you and I were such a great and beautiful thing. There’s not a person in this world that wasn’t jealous of it, that has been proven. The truth is people don’t get to love and live and feel like we did, so they will never get it. The truth is, it is not my job to prove it to them. I believe us to both be very good people or god would not have given us such a great gift that a lot of people don’t get. This I believe. My heart will be with you there, should you ever let it; my body will be as well.
My memory is short at best with a lot of things, it is in fact eidetic when it comes to you. With that comes the good and the bad. I wouldn’t change it for the world.