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No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.

I have been in this search of “eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.” If you are unfamiliar with the film, I will break it down…in a spaz type way. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy and girl break up. The love between them was so powerful they just couldn’t forget each other. They couldn’t be happier, knowing that the other existed outside of what they shared. Girl (clementine, love her name) goes to a company that specializing in removing memories of whatever it is you want to remove; dead pets, family, past lovers. Mind: Spotless. Upon finding out that clementine does this, he tries to the same. Everywhere they go, they run into each other. They meet again. They are drawn to each other, and they don’t know why. Very sweet, catchy movie. Always been a favorite, for obvious reasons.

I have tried to erase my brain. I’ve tried to rewire it. I’ve tried to drown it. Mostly, I tried to restart it. None of it has worked. Yes it has gotten a little easier, but when I say easy, I mean I’m functioning and not a drooling crying mess anymore, well rarely. (thank you for run on sentences….too much caffeine and adrenaline) unimportant factor, I started wearing my Fitbit again…my sleep was all over the map last night. I was not where I was supposed to be. I sweated all night. Night terrors all night. I woke up to my answer.

Do I stay, or do I go? The answer was told to me through the man I loved many months back, while watching the Mexican. “When you truly love someone, really love them, how do you know when enough is enough” Never. You accept that you both have, and probably will fuck up again. You just fuck up like normal people. You forget to buy the milk, or you accidentally put onions in the soup, when he doesn’t like them. You also take more pride, for you know the cost. You start your walls of post its. You always say goodnight. You fight, but its ok to fight. You don’t say things that you can’t take back. You don’t get to do that because you know that person is going to love you forever. You don’t get to do unforgivable things because you know that you will be forgiven. Either of you. You have paid the cost, you have done the worst, now can you see its time to do the best? That there are other options, but none of them hold what is held in that three inches between you. Nothing will ever compare. It is ok to forgive yourself, and more importantly; to forgive them. You earn their trust, and they earn yours. You have to believe they mean the best. You have to know that. They hurt as you hurt, no more, no less. You feel the same, because almost everything is the same with you and him. You finish each others….sandwiches. you always sit on the same side of the booth. You never stop thinking that its cute that they wash the detergent lid. you always kiss at the gym. You always hold hands. You never lose that light, or that fire. You sing loudly in the car, you dance poorly. You make love daily. You love and you don’t stop. And for gods sake, you sleep naked.

When you have a night of no quiet in your head. Of what you are supposed to do. Of what you may have been born to do. What you are best at doing. You go and do it. You go to them and love them, and hope that they will have you. You wave the whitest of flags. You pick your soul up out of the trash can, and you give it to them. And you MEAN IT. I can not remember the ladies name who wrote on my blog earlier in the week, but thank you for everything you said. You nailed my feelings on the head, while I was trying to pretend I was ok without him. I am “ok” without him, but you cant do ok after living in the grandest of palaces, with the grandest of kings, with the biggest of hearts.

Im cut open. Im bleeding. I fucked up. A lot. Love me, love me for all that I am. I have not stopped thinking about you since I met you when I was 15 years old. I give my all to you. I never have. I don’t need to protect myself from you. You are my highest of highs and my lowest of lows. You loved me at the worst point of my life. You hurt me. I hurt you. It doesn’t make us even, it makes us idiots. I don’t want to be an idiot anymore. Any day in my life without you is a day that I don’t want to see. I live in grey scale, which some people enjoy; I used to. I want the color back.

I want my family back, and I want to have that family grow.

I want you.

I choose you.

That’s my choice.

Final answer.



17 responses to “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.

  1. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    Oh girl, what a decision. Are you sure? This boy hurt you. And you, you admit to hurting him. I wish you the very best. Ukash, honey, I feel for you. I do. You would have always played second fiddle in her heart, no matter what. You should never accept that. There is a “one” for everyone, and I am sure you will find yours. You can’t repair what someone else broken so completely.

    This boy may hurt you again, young lady. You will have to do all the things you expressed so beautifully in this blog. And you have to expect all the same from him. But, it’s better than a life without love, trust me. I wish you nothing but happiness. Holding hands and sleeping naked.


  2. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    So girl, you went to him and he didn’t want you? I’m so sorry. Good luck Ukash. Play the best second fiddle you can young man, maybe you’ll play lead one day!


  3. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    Ukash, I dont know her so I have no idea what anyone might think. I know that boy hurt her, you love her and she’s in love with him. That’s all I know. I just can’t imagine that if he wanted her, that she wouldn’t go. I’m sorry if that upsets her. Reading the prior posts, it seemed that she was going to him, to be with him. She seems incredible from reading this, and you seem to be the kindest most patient man. If she chose you, for whatever reason, I wish you two a life of happiness.


  4. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    Ukash, win this game young man. Go get your girl. This boy doesn’t deserve her. You’d do anything to win, so do it. Good luck.


    • That boy very much deserves me. You switched your tone quick? You, ma’am confuse me. He is my world.
      Thank you for understanding. I’ll have to find a new gym buddy, but you are a phenomenal friend. I can’t thank you enough for that. Really.


  5. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    I didn’t mean to upset you young lady. I know it’s your life, not a game. And I have seen you bounce back and forth on this blog the last few days, going from what seems like ecstasy to what seems like extreme sadness. This boy that hurt you, keeps hurting you. And for whatever reason, it seems like you two just can’t work it out. More than anything, I don’t want you to end up like me. My god, this life is so long and sad when you make the choice I made. I don’t regret it, because my love for my boy still burns so bright. But it is a hard life. I want you happy young lady. I do. I feel connected to you through the beautiful words. I wish you love and happiness. And Ukash is either the worlds nicest fellow or a true sucker. He may be able to make you happy enough. I hope you choose him. I do. Fuck love.


  6. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    You see I never gave up on him. And I live for him right at this second. He lives for someone else and I am alone.


  7. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    I’d never be able to turn away from someone who made me smile like that. There is no price I wouldn’t pay. Nothing. My life wouldn’t be enough to give. Oh what I’ve paid and how I would give anything for you to have your boy.


  8. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    I don’t think he does. From what I’ve read, you said he loves you as much as you love him, right? Something is unanswered here. Something doesn’t make sense to me. He must have so much pain. He must be hurting. Being with you should be easy. Something broke this boy. Completely. Was it you?


    • Yes. It was me. It was a little of him, but a lot of me. We destroyed each other in so many ways. I destroyed him for sure. But I am also the only one who knows where every perfect piece of him fits to put him back together.
      I wrote my dying love and desperation to him. Enjoy.
      I never thought I could be so upfront with everyone that I was so weak. I hope he sees is while stumbling around somewhere tonight.


  9. Embodimentofhate ⋅

    I think he will. I bet he keeps a close eye on you.


  10. I don’t forget the milk anymore. I sleep naked. All of the blood ran out, and that’s exactly what was desired here.


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