A catalog of thoughts, blessings, curses, short comings, and beliefs. Please excuse the poor quality, slobbering mess by the end.
The quest to find yourself can end in many ways. Mine ended with; hey I am like my old self. Horray. And then it was time to dig deeper. I am back to me, but what the fuck happened to you to get you down to where you’d trade all of your mirrors for a smile.
This is my (MY) collection of my last year. You know what, I don’t need to go back a year. That was a bad time. Let’s just start from somewhere applicable. Yeah, that’s good. I am/was/am again very career driven. At the beginning of 2013; I had a full time real estate career, a photography business, and nonprofit organization, and most importantly I was a mom. July 2013, I had decided it was too much. I needed to spend more time with my little one. I threw one last huge benefit. I wrapped up all photography sessions. In the process of this, I had gotten very sick. Like could not spell or write my own name sick. From august 2013-october 2013 I went to every specialist there was in the state. Blood work. MRI, CT scans. Repeat. Long story short, I had burned out my adrenal gland with all that I was doing. Burning it at both ends for about, well my whole life. I had looked for sobriety in 11/2011. I made it almost two years, but I made it by always being go go go. When my medical got the best of me, I was forced to find some bed time, and to face some harsh reality. Myself. I had to deal with all that I tried to run away from for 2+ years. Saying it hit me hard, huge understatement. I didn’t (and still struggle) with knowing how to function as a “normal” person. The first person I contacted when I got sober back in 2011 was him. I had been hurting for so long for how I had acted. I never did anything bad to him, I just feel like things might have been, could have been different back in 2011, but they weren’t. I owed him an apology nonetheless. It was very well received. I continued on. We would catch up randomly on occasion but nothing to speak of. A little banter here and there. I was full of my distractions go go go. I have to tell you, any time a text or an email came from him I stopped all that I was doing. It was as if God himself were speaking to me. He was the one thing that was always able to stop me dead in my tracks. I remember stopping a photo shoot just to answer him and chat for a bit. Anyway. Life continues. Go go go. I get an email late 2013. It was very weird, I thought it might have been someone else, but it was him. Long story short, we went from having banter to an email of he felt like it was way more than that. I agreed. I could never tell him that before. Mainly because of how we met (a blog I will never write) through the years he would randomly ask for my bosses number to flirt with her. It really hurt me, but I had no leg to stand on so I would give it to him. Don’t get me wrong, I let him know that it hurt my feelings. His response was always why does that upset you? Why would it bother you?
Side note: Recently just realizing that maybe he was doing this to get me to speak up and say because I care about you. Maybe he wasn’t. I don’t know. But rear view. 20/20, and all of that other non-sense.
I’d give him the number and just go back to go go go. This email was different. This one was one that entailed all that I had ever felt, but being as he contacted me to hit on other women, and told me about his involvement with other women, I just never spoke up. Was he really saying what I had been thinking? Yes. The answer was yes. Keep in mind I had never hung out with this man. I had never kissed him. I had never even come within 3 inches of him. I knew what would happen if I did. Looking back, he did too.
Long story short, he finally came to me in February. Wait; let me back up a tad. I left my job of 5 years because my boss had told me she slept with him. It cut me to my core. Had I had to look at her face one more time; I would have killed her. I quit. Come to February. He came to me, and let me say I was at the worst I was ever at in my life. Drinking like a fish. Unhealthy. Overweight. Sad. Broken. Lost. Everything that I ever wanted was in front of me, but I didn’t even know how to take care of myself. This man brought so much perspective to me on things I never saw any other way. I was sad because of my daughter. He said live more for her, not less.
This man had some dark things that he was doing behind my back, but this is not about that; this is about the good that he gave to me. This is the good that our therapist asked us to write about, that I never got to give him.
He saw me as nothing less than me. I don’t know how he did, and I can only imagine the strength it took, but he did. He brought color to all that had been black and white for two months. He got me in the gym, and it got easier after he made sure to tell me and show me how beautiful that I was. He got me out of the house doing things I never would have done. Thank god for him.
The second he came to me in February, the second his hand touched my face, and my hand touched his chest, it was pure fire from that moment on. It was like a fire had been burning all along and the second we touched an accelerant was poured on it. I think it was far more powerful than either of us ever dreamed it would be.
I made my wrongs to him, and I will live with them. I’ve no choice but to. I once said to him the bad out weighted the good. That was never true. I had gotten to the point where I only wanted to see the bad. My eyes were closed to the rest of it. We took a toll on each other, out of pure fear. Fear of that fire burning us. Neither of us could ever get that we were only burning each other to save our own foolish pride.
I have explored the infinite abyss of me and everything in between. I have my answers. I went to him, and he let me go. I cannot blame him for that. Hell I couldn’t blame myself if I let go. I won’t. He has taken the step that he needed to be away from me for good, and I can’t change that.
To you, if you ever read this ten years from now, here is how you affected me.
I loved you for any and everything that you are. Thank you for exposing yourself more than I ever did to you. I am sorry I wasn’t all that you needed. I wanted to be.
I will always love the little notes that you left me when I was sleeping, and as I slept with Addy at the hospital. I will never get rid of any of them.
I loved how much dedication you put into me, into Addy, into our home. Into us.
I loved every laugh you ever gave Addy, and that you got her talking.
I loved the stupid silly pictures that we took.
I loved the paint fights. The food fights. The ass grabbing fights.
I loved that you danced with me at a wedding for hours when you told me you never would.
I loved that you turned on the faucet every time I needed to pee.
I loved that you asked me to come to the bathroom while you showered so that we didn’t waste any time.
I loved that you reminded me of the good I had in me when I would forget.
I loved that you couldn’t go a night without a midnight snack during our shows.
I loved that you always said how you felt.
I loved that you would always open doors for me.
I loved that you would let me steal your toothbrush.
I loved that you walked around the house singing, not caring. I might have loved this the most.
I loved that you played with my hair while I lay in my spot.
I loved that you would let me win sometimes.
Above all, I loved how you loved me, Addy, and x. I am sorry that there wasn’t much left over for you. I didn’t know that until it was too late. Until the 5 am talk that we had recently. I didn’t know.
I loved all of these things, and I will miss all of them dearly. There is no laughter in my home anymore. My bed is cold. My child is laughless. My freezer has no ice-cream. My mirror has no post its. My life has no you.
You ask if I could ever forgive you, my answer is that I already had. The bad you did to me was far outweighed by the good that you did.
I am sorry I never told you everything.
I am sorry I drank.
I am sorry that I called you when you asked me not to.
I am sorry for keeping some of your things because it was all I had left of you.
I am sorry for lying.
I am sorry for being jealous.
I am sorry for not fighting with you.
I am sorry for saying you never helped.
I am sorry for not letting you take care of Addy when you wanted to.
I am sorry that I made you wish on stars when I knew you hated it.
I am sorry for the times I made you late because I wanted to “play”
I am sorry for making you ever doubt that you were enough
I am sorry I didn’t love you as much as you needed.
I am sorry for the mean things I said.
I am sorry for the horrible thing that I did.
I am sorry for the people during our break
I am sorry for not taking you to Boston.
I am sorry for not telling you everything when it is all you ever wanted for me to be enough.
I am sorry I will never be enough in your eyes. I will live my entire life trying to be and I pray that you see me one day for me. I pray. You never will, but it is all I have so please don’t take that hope from me.
Most of everything I am sorry for x.
You told me to leave you alone for forever, and I have to. I have never given you what you wanted. I owe you that.
My home is filled with you, and the walls keep me in tears. All I hear are the echoes of the life and the love that I lost. Addison and I still make you the first star every night. I still sleep in your shirt. I may always. I never knew life until you, so I never knew what it would feel like without you. I can’t wrap my head around how life was ok before. I never had a life before you. Now I have nothing. I have Addy. I have tears. I have a home and a town that I hate. I have friends that I will never speak to. I have the ashes of all that burned up. I am glad you got to throw it away; I have to look at all of it most days if I even go “home.”
I know you didn’t choose me. Know I chose you, and I will be the girl that lives with the cold heart forever, and I will be ok with that. There is nothing in this world for me but what I had. I have explored every option, and I know this to be fact. Please be happy. Please love again. Please remember some of the good in me. And one day when you think of me, please smile. I’d like that. If I could love you today the way I was supposed to many years ago, I wouldn’t fuck it up. You deserve a new scene that doesn’t include me. If that is the only thing I can give you, then let it be my final gift. I love you so very much and your family will miss you very much. You were our center, now all gravity is lost. Go be awesome. It’s what you were meant to be. Thank you for the time you gave us. You gave me more love and peace in the time I knew you than I had in my 35 years. When you look back on the things that you did to me, please forgive yourself. I hold no anger, and I know you to be a good person. Know that you are good, and don’t think of it any other way ok.
I gotta go now.