Actually, there is a word for that. It’s love. I’m in love with her, okay? If you’re looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you, its love! And when you love someone y-you just don’t stop. Ever. Love doesn’t make sense. You can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it, or else we’re lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. You will be shocked when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That’s why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it. When you love someone you just, you…you don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just- you don’t give up because if I could give up… If I could just, you know, take the whole world’s advice and- and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be… That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But that is not what this is
I read his words over and over and I can’t get it. “I read your blog and you said you love this new boy that he stole your heart.” Those words have not been written or said, so I don’t even know where this comes from. Sometimes I think that he actually believes things like that. That he might honestly think that it said that somewhere. It doesn’t. It does say he has stole my heart, but nothing of love. Figures of speech somewhat. It all goes back to the Rob Thomas song writing thing. When I am not writing anymore, I have found healing. I have stopped writing as much, I have started to heal some; but in that know that there are moments in every single day that I just hurt. That I just cry. That I just go ahead and accept that there is never going to be a time that I will not miss him. Everything about him. The good and the bad that all combine together to become the universe that I was once blessed enough to hold. Briefly.
I have come a long way in the few months, as has he. In saying that, it is that I actually function now. For so long I was paralyzed, and it’s not a figure of speech. There are moments that still hit and I must excuse myself. Here’s the beauty of what the Lord himself led me to find. He placed so many signs in my life for so long. The signs are everywhere. There is never a time that I am somewhere and someone doesn’t play a song that makes me think of him. I swear I have seen more raiders shirts in the last month than I have in my life. Out last night someone had the exact ringtone as him. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I wanted so badly to turn around and it is him, and I still carry that feeling of hope. Maybe the hope is what gets me through. Not hope of reconciliation, but a hope that we may both be ok one day. Better than ok. That there is going to be perfection in our life one day. I have hope that good things happen to good people, and were both living the right way and much more appreciative of what we have, as we felt the loss of everything.
I have been so out of my comfort zone with the things that I now do, but my comfort zone was always him. I needed a complete overhaul in all of my typical behaviors/thoughts. I had to find any way to kick start growth. That’s what I do. It is not what I would have been doing, given the alternative; but it is what I have and it’s working at a slow rate of success. In a late discussion, I referred to all of this being like a baby. It is like I have to learn how to do everything from scratch, and there is nothing more true than that. It’s beyond it being a clean slate feeling, it is more equivalent to everything being wiped out. You rebuild. I am left with not a whole lot to build with other than the love in my heart, and the hope in my soul. Some don’t have either of those, so believe me when I say that I consider myself to be very lucky. We both had the potential to let this kill us. I think we both did for a bit, I can only speak for me. Something wouldn’t let us, so like children we learn to do it all over. We go in with an extreme skill set that I dint think that either of us ever wanted to acquire; must we be fortunate that we have it though? My friend makes fun of me that I always have to find the good in any and everything. I think I have always been that way, but I did lose it for a fair amount of time. I have to shut out the bad at every angle. When it presents itself I have to find the good part of that bad. Even it is just a mere “well I learned that this is bad,” that is the good that I attach to that particular item up for grabs. I found myself at the grocery smiling and humming. I see good all around me. I have not let anything less in, because I can’t afford to see any more bad. In it all though, I see all of this good. Wherein I appreciate, I don’t feel it. There is a smile on my face, but my body feels vacant.
You learn to crawl before you walk. Learn to walk before you fly.
I have to say that I am still at the crawling stage; which, to the naked eye, seems a bad thing. I will take crawling over the sitting stagnant and still. Silver lining.
As far as finding love. It hasn’t happened. I have found someone who offers great conversation, and happens to lack sleep like myself. He has been the first person who actually got my mind off of the situation and I have to say I do believe we met for a reason. I wasn’t even going out that night. I had gone out Friday. I was home in my pjs when my best friend finally talked me into our annual tradition. The rest is where we are today. I have always found that God puts people in our lives just at the right moment. We never know what they are there for. It could be a friendship. It could be more. I don’t have a label for it right now, it is just a good thing; that can be the label. At this point in time, it is all up in the air and I am appreciating it on a day to day basis; not reading into it any more than that. I fear that I have to protect him right now to not get him drug into a mess. It’s not something that I am comfortable with, but it is how I have had to come to live. The ex feels the same way about me, so I (yet again) can relate to him on living with that feeling. It sucks worrying about outside forces when you should just be able to relax and let life happen. He said to me last night, “You are who you are when no one is watching.” I think he thought I died. I sat quiet for what felt like an eternity. I let it sink in. I didn’t give him my thoughts on it, because I have learned that some things I should just keep to myself. So here goes.
You are who you are when no one is watching. So simple, yet it flooded me with so many, not answers, but I don’t know a right word for what it filled me with. It wasn’t peace; it was in fact the opposite feeling. Who I am when no one is watching. If I am really who I am when no one is watching; I am well assured that I am very much still in love.
I would normally say here, my point it this, but there is no point.
I have always told him that he sees my reality in this over the top version that it is not. That I am doing all of these things, and having a ball, and now thinks that I am in love.
I am doing things. I am finding comfort in good distractions. There was a few weeks in the beginning of the break up that I filled my life with horrible distractions. I am far more particular now about what and who I spend my time with now. I have learned the true meaning of time, and only fill it with that of substance. Sometimes I do have fun. Sometimes it is mundane. I have to say through all of the months, the Saturday after my birthday might have been the first time that I went out and actually had a great time. Not an ok time, or just fun. I had a great time and I needed it. It feels good to smile. It feels good to laugh. To feel something besides pain, regret, and hurt.
He is right though.
I am very much in love.
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. When strength has offered up the ability for us to crawl, we must keep moving forward to get to that point to walk. Therein we get to fly. Ive always had a thing for birds. Ive always had a thing for you.
“Maybe my movie isn’t over, I say, because sometimes moviemakers trick the audience with a false bad ending, and just when you think the movie is going to end badly, something dramatic happens, which leads to the happy ending. This seems like a good spot for something dramatic to happen, especially since it’s my birthday.”
― Matthew Quick, the Silver Linings Playbook
Tough day, despite the lack of sleep, I watch all of my heart stumble into what would be perfection; but is clouded with impending doom. I awoke to a new subscriber this morning, and finished the day with a nasty email. Informative however, so thanks I guess.
I had decided that I was going to start a new blog. I then decided that I had started this three years ago when I underwent some huge life changes and changed my life for the better, in so many ways. A lot of that was me, and a lot was help from a lot of people. It is unfortunate that through jealousy, I took down all of the original postings. They were just the same as these; a gathering of events. It was out of respect that I deleted them, and I don’t regret it. We have to do things to ease the minds of those that we are with. If it doesn’t compromise yourself as a person to do it, then you do it. There is no reason for me to not continue on, and I got a lot of emails from readers to continue; so I do.
There has been a huge fishing expedition going on in my life the last couple of months, and I am hoping that it eases the mind of my new reader to know some of the answers that were sought. I put a lot of things on my blog; they are of thoughts and feelings. I don’t put who or what I do on here, as it is the business of those I share conversations with. I robbed this person of my Facebook posts. It as if my life had become a go to bible for them to need to read each day to make sure that I was indeed away from where I was supposed to be. I will never ease your mind on the subject one way or another, because that is not what my blog is about. I only urge this person to have faith in what they already don’t have faith in. It is easy to live in fear when you came across something in treacherous acts. You have that fear of your truth exposed, a fear of losing something that you didn’t earn honestly. That is for you to live with, and no one else. I didn’t come across him unhonestly. There was some unhonesty in it all, but not in finding and coming to each other, so I never had to live with that fear, and never will. Maybe one day you will know the story of how we met, because I actually have you to thank for it. In short-enjoy your reading, however do know no answers that you seek will ever be on here, and time is better spent loving someone-not nosing around on the internet. I learned that one too late, but my Facebook addiction had nothing on you.
To the one who is gone. From what I have heard, you are gone-and you are not alone in your heart. I hate that this is the choice that you resorted to. You always have had a hard time in being alone, I get that. I lived a few years of not being able to be alone. I will tell you, that year (that I started my blog) that I spent “waiting” on you and refusing to date, I learned way more about myself than I ever would have. My time was filled with running around nonstop (previous blog) I came to realize that some of the things that I thought I enjoyed, I really didn’t. I just enjoyed that I was doing it with someone and not alone. I learned that some of the shows that I snuggled up and watched that I thought I liked, I didn’t. When watched alone, I realized it was about that I had company; they were all interchangeable. It didn’t matter who. I found there was music that I didn’t like. Places. It all led me to a place of finding what I liked. ME as a person. It helped me grow so much because I was able to go in and see who I had actual things in common with. Not similar likes, but actual shared and invested interests. That’s what made our bond more so, they were all the same. Its times like these that I wish I could reflect back on those old blog posts. To remember the struggles I faced when going through that book. To see how hard it was, and to see how long it took for the revelations to hit. Mostly to show you and remind you. We must grow as a person, singular. Otherwise we grow to be somebody for someone else, and then we resent them. Beyond resenting them, we start to lose a bigger part of ourselves and become lost in the whole scheme of it all. Lost souls always wander. I am glad that your soul found a home for a bit, and I saw it shine. I am sorry that I didn’t treat it the exact way I was supposed to. I am. My daughter did, and so for that I have happiness.
It is a rare few in the world at our age that gets a clean slate. A fresh start. Most are married, kids, etc. Mind you, I know that you would rather still be in Winston, and for that I have paid my price, and sorry is not a word that is even applicable. A clean slate is exactly that. The last year was a house of cards. All of it. We should have started different, but we didn’t. A lot could have been different, but it wasn’t. We had our foundation, it was shaky, but it was a start. When I look back on all of the additional cards piled on, it is so easy to see how it collapsed. Mind you, we were doing some internal destruction. We were destructing from the inside because of what the outside was showing us. Telling us. I have said it times before, it was like we were two puppets that a handful of people were playing with, and it wasn’t stable enough to understand that these people had false intentions. 4 in your corner, and 2 in mine. Mind you, mine never went to the extent as yours, but they still played a part. Mine never tried to steer me from you, they were just there like a rat on a cheetoh each time we hit a wall. Yours actively did some of the strangest things I have ever seen to get us away from each other. We could never understand why. What was the point? Then it all started to make sense. I will post the “food chain” on a private blog with the entire structure. (the funniest being moving our trashcans while we were on a date, and knocking and running like children)
It is kind of like the wizard of oz. you see all of these main character’s but when you get down to the raw deal, you see who was steering all of these people into just the right places. Never being seen, but being the one ruling it all. ( I prefer to be Dorothy, because I look good in red)
My point is this, there was one main person who was behind the scenes for all of it, and you openly carry that into your new start. That is going to be something so hard to get rid of when it hits, because it will be all that you have. Knowing you, you won’t get rid of all that you have, so the life fucking will continue. I can tell you, I have done some bad things in my life, but someone who puts this many years’ worth of work into purposefully fucking someone over so that they may find them beat down and broken to have them….has issues. Normal people do not do that. Years of work, to get you to a place. They tried different avenues so many times. You never took any of those advances. Each time they escalated. It is actually humorous to watch the fall off on FB. It was like love just stopped for another the very INSTANT that you got so broke down and alone. To have you, you had to be stripped of it all and to start grasping at straws, and there she is. Of course she is. I think you know a lot of what happened before our break and after, at least I hope that you do. This very bad thing to start new with, out of a control perspective. Whereas you feel like you have lost everything (and my God you have) The perfect control freak in a “relationship” must have that person to themselves. All others are a threat to tear down the smoke and mirrors strategically placed. I had hoped that you would get to said city and flourish, and now it breaks my heart to know that you aren’t going to.
You kind of had it made in this town, as you had a good repor and knew your way around. Even in that you would have some things happen at work sometimes that scared me to death. I worry so much for your safety in a new place. You don’t know the place, or the people, and you don’t have a well-built reputation with them for them to hold forgiveness for you if you do slip up. I know with everything in me that you are very good at what you do. I have told you that many a days when you came home and cried not wanting to do it. I remember you and I having a fight about it. You were going to quit and I told you that you couldn’t. You screamed and yelled at me, that I didn’t know what made you happy and that life was easier at your old job. I told you that I did in fact know what made you happy. It was what you did. That was your life and I wasn’t going to let you just quit when you had not even given it a fair shot. We FOUGHT over this. Eidetic memory of that day on the corner of the couch me sitting in your lap forehead to forehead my hands holding your face. You are one of the few people in this particular line of work that has a heart for it. You have good reasons of wanting to do it, unlike most. It is etched into your soul. This is why I worry. The situation that you take with you is going to cause you so much worry and concern when working. I know you. I know that because of how it started, and because of the cheating you have known on her behalf in the time you’ve known her, and the inappropriate behaviors (with no regard to anyone) that you are going to eat yourself alive when at work of what is going on. You won’t be able to stay on the phone and computer like you could here to ease your mind, and you are going to be distracted, and that scares the shit out of me. Whereas you would have otherwise gone to this town and blown these peoples fucking minds at how great that you are (ensuring yourself at any job in the state within months) you had a chance to go in focused. To know what you want to do in your life, because you lost it before, a and you KNOW it’s what you want. To go and do well. Now you go in distracted. Worrisome. It all makes me so very sad for you. It really does. I don’t know which I feel more of, fear or sadness. Whereas a week ago I was giddy for you in this. I was so proud of you (still am) I said today, he has found a place and he is going to knock it out of the park.
We will wish on stars for you. We will remain background noise. We will pray. I only wish that it had been different for you. I watched you come so far since I met you. You were so shut down. Now you are opened and exposed, to to the very worst person to be exposed to. Not to say she is a bad person, just a bad person of her intentions when it comes to you. Getting to you involved crawling over so many dead bodies, not even a flinch occured. It came so natural. So in all the bad I did, I showed remorse, and my intentions were explained to you. It wasn’t out of malice. This was out of pure malice.
Break down of a sociopath
Well we have come to my final sunshineinablackdress post. The new blog is up, and started for new beginnings. I started this one years ago, to chronicle a very huge part of my life. Where in, I have to say I was blessed for that book to finally open and have so much added to it; I am fairly well dead that the book had an ending, as opposed to a sequel. Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.
I leave with a lot of fear.
I met this phenomenal friend months ago. He loves me unconditionally. He took me to do so much. He dried my tears when I cried. He never left my side and picked me up, when all else had dismissed me for feeling broken over what I lost. What Addy lost. I learned to do so many new things. I got back to a healthy life. I learned to communicate. I learned to let go of anger. I learned to accept compliments. I learned to remember the good that is me. I did not find me alone, but I found me. I had been lost for so very long. Long before my one had really came to me. This person did everything in his power to make me feel at home. Bought me pillows and blankets for his place. Bought all my girl stuff so I didn’t have to travel back and forth. Always brought me coffee. Took me to meet his family (This is a HUGE deal to me) Sang to me. Danced in the middle of the rain with me. Made an ass out himself over and over, just to try to get me to see. The largest was him and other friends, not only learning my favorite song, but playing it in a bar full of strangers for my birthday. A ten minute song! The second greatest thing he did was work with my best friend to frame a bunch of pictures of Addy and my ex for her room. I had just re done her room. I had held on to her spare bed in hopes of getting to travel to my one. To start my family the right way. The hard way, but the most appropriate way; given the circumstances. I could not accept the gift of the photos. I knew how hard they worked, and they understood. This person stood up for me through all of the Facebook messages, emails, IG messages, snap chat mean things. All of it. It was like I was his little sister and he did a fantastic job. Where I thought maybe I deserved the harassment and mean comments, he saw me as a person who didn’t. Somewhere along the way he fell in love with me. I could not be more grateful. I only have one other friend like that, and she is so far away. I love him to death, but I am not in love with him.
This is where fear sets in. this man would have and can give me everything in the world that I ever wished for, but I didn’t want it. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t from my one, and I would have traded all of it for a forehead kiss and a silly Irish tune. What is wrong with me?
I think you meet this person and you feel this way, and you touch perfection. You can’t go back after that. You have to, but you just can’t. You can fill your time with people who make you feel good; all the while thinking about the person you would rather be with. That person crosses your mind way more than anything ever has and maybe more than anything ever will.
So you settle. So it seems.
I awoke to an email sent by my friend to my ex, luckily he had typed the email address wrong after a night on the town, but it was a line crossed. I was so disappointed. As we will always remain friends, I explained to him that I don’t condone that, and it was not acceptable.
I finally let my best friend take me out, whom I have not been talking to because of acts of treason. We have a birthday tradition, and I knew that I owed some forgiveness, as he has shed a lot on me over our 15 years of friendship. I covered my bases; made sure I had money for a cab ride “home,’ as to not put myself in a situation. We had a blast. It was like old times, but I kept a little wall up, and I’m just not back to being full on trusting with him. May never be again. We walk in and I see this person. Like a person that just has a pull, that you just have to look. I look and he’s looking too. Mind you, I am out in a tiny dress, cowboy boots, and a unicorn trucker hat. I dressed ridiculous, because A. It was my birthday, and B. I wanted to protect myself from the friend’s approaches. He came over and I swear it felt like the entire club was quiet. I heard nothing but him. I saw nothing but him. He excuses himself and goes to step on the stage. WTF!? I didn’t know there was a band playing, much less that I was sitting there talking to one of them. (he has stated that he loved that, that he knew I wasn’t a groupie chick because I was intrigued long before I even knew who he was) we spoke on breaks but I had to retire. He walked me to my cab. Texted for me to get home safe, and texted to make sure I made it safe; and then “goodnight moon;” my favorite words. How did he know? We have had some very in depth conversations taking me until 6am almost every day since. It is crazy how your body can function on no sleep when you are in that mindset. I got to my friends house around 3am and proceeded to pass out. He said I wouldn’t shut up about the kid. New moment. He woke me up with coffee and said, “Melissa I think you are going to be alright now.” I inquired why. Words are stuck in my head. Eidetic memory. “When I first found you, you cried yourself to sleep almost every night. You would say his name in your sleep (the ex, I don’t like names on my blog) you would wake up sweating and screaming his name. You would wake up and call me him. You would fall asleep talking about him. I would wake up to makeup tears all over my couch or bed, depending on your mood. Today is different. You fell asleep laughing and not shutting up about this kid. Things are going to be ok for you now.”
Of course I felt like an asshole, he was right. It was the first night that I didn’t check my phone. I didn’t text. I didn’t blog. I didn’t email. I didn’t Instagram. I lived in the moment, for hours and hours. Like a school girl.
Here’s where fear sets in more.
He is still not him. He is amazing to me. Will he be to Addy? Will Addy be to him? The connection between that child and that man will probably be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. But furthermore, was that connection even real or just one sided? How much was fake. How much was real. How much feeling and love do I hold onto that was actually real? Was any of it? I like to think sometimes that some of it was, but the demeanor and things going on make me think none of it was at times. So is it settling if this is real and that was fake?
All I know is today. All I know is that what I had belongs to someone else. Is he settling? He tells me that our life was nothing but drama, I agree, 100% I don’t think that he ever got that the drama came from his side and his set of “people,” his side of the street. I let it in, I own that, but I also own that by letting it in I learned the truth, which I deserved. I have blocked more phone numbers and emails in the last 6 months than I have in my life. In fact, I have never blocked a phone number in my life until this year. It continues, and the email addresses and profiles build, so I just refrain. Sometimes I laugh at the outright absurdity of it all. Some days it makes me cry. Some days I don’t even open them. I have talked to my friend about this, in depth. I am not with him. I have not been with him. (In case you are reading) I am not harming anyone. I have refrained from even being places that he would be. I have refrained from hanging with mutual friends. I have removed myself from the situation all together, what is so special about me that people feel the need to use their day to wreak havoc on my life? His perspective, as always, was stellar. There is no trust Melissa. They are now turning to you expecting you continue to banter with them. You listened to them before, so they know you will listen again. They are wanting you to answer the questions and doubts that they have in their head. There is no trust and they need to validate it. They are wanting you to concur one way or another if you are with them or not. You keep your life so protected now, and they are not used to that. All gossip is gone and they cannot stand not knowing. The fact that they spend their day worrying about what you or him are doing, means they have no faith in what he is doing to and for them. Just keep avoiding it. Let it play out. It will fade.
I pray he is right. It has seemed to hit a high but I feel with the move, I pray that the lull is coming. It is hard to just ignore it. It was my world. As I love hearing good things from him, I hate hearing them from people who get the blessing of his time and company. I hate knowing things about him, third party. Id rather hear the excitement in his own voice. I hate hearing bad things about him to “ward me away from him,’ when I am not even near him.
Life has changed a whole lot. A lot of it is needed. A lot of it isn’t. Some is good, but most of it is bad; chalked up to pride, ego, and other people’s opinions of our lives.
My friend loves me uncondionally, and would have Addy as well; it wasn’t enough. Now I have to see if my heart will allow this one to be enough. Maybe this time I have less anger and have started to see things as is and not as was, thanks to said friend. Only time will tell.
Time has taught me this. I had the love of my life. I had exactly what God himself conspired for me to have. I had heaven. I had the best. I had my hand in the demolish.
I am ready for time to teach me a new lesson. Maybe that there is different, not better, but equivalent. Love, not the same kind, and not as good, but enough. That maybe the price of that kind of love is too high? Or did I just fuck it up? Can anyone have that kind of love and function properly? Will people always threaten it? I have never seen anyone who had a love like ours but my grandparents, but therein, ours was different as we parted. We reached a point where we have been apart longer than we were together.
In reality, things should be starting to fade. They haven’t. He is still the first thing I think of when I open my eyes. I just reach for someone else because I cant reach for him.
I have forgotten what his smell was like, and how his hand felt on my cheek. I don’t want to forget anymore. I want to always remember it all. Maybe it is gods price for us being foolish, to take the memories from us. I pray each night that I remember it all on my deathbed, in all of the years of my life; for he was all of the life in my years.
So for the blog I started for the adventures of he and I, I close the book now. It was an amazing journey. it was filled with all of the elements that one would find in a book that you cant put down. Like all good books, it had an end. Like all great books, it had no sequel. I hope you pick it up and re read it sometimes. It is a classic.
“every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.”
Horrible rough night last night but it allowed me to snuggle my baby some today. She was full of questions so it was time to give her some answers. Dropping her off until next week when she gets to come home for good. It’s been hard but knowing her and Jordan will be home soon, I’m adjusting that life is going to resemble some amount of the past. Time to celebrate the birthday in style and start to make some new memories. I know I broke her heart but she needed honesty to start to rebuild. I promised justin and autumn that I would. They’re tired of lying about it. Happy weekend to all. Hold your babies close and love with all you have. Learn to let the little that you have be enough, your little is a lot to someone who has nothing. All we have today is what we could die for tonight.
I read back on some things today, and I read some statements that were made to me by someone on here. One I brushed under the rug, but in moving on, it is one that needs to be addressed. I vaguely answered. In fact, I had written a blog in September but deleted it before publishing it. I wasn’t ready to cope with it. I am at a better place with it all now. I had to crawl through fire to be ok, but that is exactly what I did. I paid my penance. Penance is a sacrifice, a voluntary punishment to show remorse for a sin. The more grievous the sin, the greater the self-inflicted suffering. For some, the ultimate penance is death. But for others, it simply a means to an end. So in the darkness, and the light of it all; (depending on your particular ideals and perspective) here it is.
“From what I’ve read, you said he loves you as much as you love him, right? Something is unanswered here. Something doesn’t make sense to me. He must have so much pain. He must be hurting. Being with you should be easy. Something broke this boy. Completely. Was it you?”
First of all, I did say that he loved me as I did him; I felt that to be true at that particular point in time. Time and actions have better led me to a more rational view on it.
Something was very unanswered on my blog, at that point in time.
He probably does/did have an extreme amount of pain. Some caused by me, a lot caused by his own self-inflicted wounds. Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.
He was hurting for a reasonable amount of time; I have to take those words of his to be true. It brings no reasoning not to. I cannot speak to the fact that I saw him hurting, but he did say he was, so fair enough. Not my zoo, not my monkeys.
Being with me or anyone in particular, should never be easy. Life is not meant to be easy. It is meant to be fulfilling, but we must work for the things that carry any amount of fulfillment in them. Lots of things are hand given; they usually are of no substance. Kind of an easy come easy go, if you will. I fully believe that being with me is a blessing, it took me a long time to get back to that mindset; but here I am regardless of the time or path taken to feel whole again. In the words of Bob Marley (yes I am a quote whore, better than just being a whore) “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
Was he completely broken? I assure you not. We can get to the point where we feel completely broken, this we all know. If we are alive (he is) if we are breathing (he is) if we are loved (he was) then we are not broken, and not all that is lost is broken.
“Was it me” (who hurt this boy)
Yes. It was. I own everything I ever did to him. I own everything that was ever done to me. There is no fog, it is all very clear where the battle lines were drawn, and the pool of blood is so thick there would not be a height reachable for one to not be able to see it very clearly.
In order to get to the point of where I have sat steadily for a good month now, I had to face some harsh realities. Most of which I have been very upfront on here about. From how much I hurt, to how sorry I am, to how foolish I was, to how in love I was. I have not colored myself as anything other than my truest of selves; throwing all opinions of inner beauty out the window. It is a lack of caring what other people think of me. I never really have cared what other people think of me, it complicates life to a point of pure agony and self-loathing. I cared about what people in his life thought about me. That might have been the first of my trail of mistakes. That was the one that I let consume me, and that was my weight only to carry.
I have never been party to any of the things that happened in that relationship, and it still blows my mind to look back on it all and wonder how I saw it as normal at all. Trust me, I shoulder some blame for what the world became. It was like throwing a cat into the water. The cat is going to be spaz. The cat is going to flip out. The cat is going to act anything but natural. The cat is going to try to save itself by any means needed. When you are thrown into a situation, where the cost is everything that you hold near and dear; I assure you that you will have a fight explode in you that you never even knew existed. It is a fight or flight reaction, and I will always be a fighter, I have never known flight mode until recently.
None of this is here or there.
Back on track, did I hurt him, yes. Yes I did. Did I do it in response to what was done to me? Yes. Yes I did. Did that make it right? Fuck no. it just made two idiots turn into two pissed off idiiots, raising the bar higher each time of “the battle of who could care less.”
There was one major rule broken on both ends. Both of those rules held the fate of all that was. I asked of him to never lie to me. He did. Gasoline poured. He asked me to not let in the various people who wanted him back home. I did. Matches lit. All three people burned. All others in their sadistic paradise for it all. As if it was all a game. As if hearts were merely these little paper dolls that you take down to play with and dress them how you will and put them where you want.
In all of it, I drew back. For a while I drew inward. I shut down completely. I didn’t feel good enough. Why wasn’t I enough? If I wasn’t enough as who I was, maybe I will be this person. This person that I am creating. Maybe she is better. Maybe she is enough. Fuck, now I don’t even know who I am, and this person wasn’t enough either. I became a less than good partner. I didn’t communicate. I drank heavily. I gained heavily. I loved poorly, but I loved tremendously. I just didn’t want to show it anymore. It hurt too much. As if it was hurting less to not show it. Pride my friends. Pride
I then turned my pain outward. I started talking to people that I shouldn’t have been talking to. Just yearning for someone to relate. For someone to remind me that I was good enough. That I was pretty enough. That I deserved love from him. That I deserved truth. That I deserved perfection. Painting myself to be whomever I felt to be that day, never a shred of reality to what I actually was to him. We can tell our sides, but until we tell the only side, the side that has the truth in it, were getting no help of relevance; but we get an ego boost so there’s that I suppose.
I lied to him about where I was. When I was there. I lied to him about what I was doing. Not that I was doing anything bad. It was a power thing, stupid. It was you are not being honest with me about your life, why am I going to tell you what I am doing with mine? Does it matter? You don’t love or respect me anyhow, why does it matter? You want power over me. I won’t give it to you anymore.
I put him in a position to not believe me about certain things, and I am ok with that. When you break a bridge of trust, you can’t be upset when someone doesn’t believe you. You can provide them with all of the facts. That’s all you can do. Hell it got to the point where I was “fabricating my own facts.” Fair enough. Again, I know what is true that leaves my mouth and it is not my job to make anyone believe me. I have lived enough of that. Not being accused of something each day has begun to be the new norm for me again, and I can’t say that I don’t hate it. Always having to stand up for myself for who I was and what I was or was not doing. Again, I put myself in that boat to be mistrusted so I paid the price for it, and I have no problem in that. I am a big girl and am very well versed in the entire cause and effect routine that is life. It is how my life has always ran, this was just a sick a twisted version of that very routine. I had my hand in making it so, and this is about me. Not him.
In this mistrust, ugly things were said about me and how bad of a person that I was and it cost us a child. I did it on my own. I couldn’t bring a child into the world that I was already accused of lying about. That I was threatened it would be taken away. That I should die so that child could live. That it was the worst thing to ever happen. So I did it. I live with it daily and always will. I didn’t want that baby growing up where it was a statue of hate and resentment of the life that he had “to give up to be with me.” I live with enough resentment from my own parents to know that it is not a life. It wasn’t my choice to make, but I did. I cannot take it back.
I cost him his job. When I was delivered news in gboro and I emailed him and received one in return from an email that he told me he deleted. That I knew what he used it for. That the name on it had changed. When I emailed him sitting in that parking lot, I had a shred of thought in my head that “this isn’t true. There is no way this is true. He is trying to right his wrongs. They are just escalating on the things that they are bringing to the table. The price is higher now so the tactics are higher. He wouldn’t do this. Not again.” Ding, email. Fuck. God damn fuck. I wanted to believe you. How did you do this? Why did you do this? Fuck it. I’m leaving my job. I’m selling my car. I am going into hiding and you will never see me again. You don’t get to do these horrible things to me. I wanted to believe you. I wanted to, for once give you the benefit of the doubt and them be wrong. Just once. The name on the email had changed yet again. There you are being someone else else. Someone else to someone new and all I wanted was him to be someone to me. That’s all he was was somebody precious to me. Who he was was so perfectly flawed to me. He was my world. He had his own world. I had to let him have it and start my own.
I cannot explain the escalation of his actions because this is public, and I won’t. I can’t say what he did. I will only say that I was worried about his safety in the mindset that he had spiraled down to. And yes spiraled is a very appropriate word for how fast he got so low into the gutter. He was my fucking star and there he was so far removed from the sky, and liking it. I cost him the rest. I did and I have made my own peace with him about it, and it is ok that he doesn’t make his own. It was because of him that I left my career where I was happy, but it wasn’t my dream so it is not comparable. I didn’t do it out of a place of maliciousness. I, in my fucked up mindset, was trying to save him from himself. It wasn’t my job to. It wasn’t my responsibility to. it was very wrong. I can’t take it back.
I came forth to him of all of my truths and I hold dear to that. I finally let it all out, as the price was already paid. So when asked did I do something to him. Yes. Do I owe him? No. I paid my price. I paid him in offering him my forgiveness and thanking him for all of the good that he brought into my life. I let go of the bad. That’s my payment and I paid it like a lady. I took off my boxing gloves long ago. I have theoretically fought for my family, but have quit delving into fight mode. People either want to be with you or they don’t. That’s the easy part. The hard part is making that decision work. That’s what I do now. It’s all relatable to the positions you put yourself into. I don’t respond to the calls. To the emails. To them going to my mutual friend and starting rumors. I just walk away from all of it as it strikes. I have faith that if I don’t feed it, it will go away.
My love for him or Addison’s love for him never will. It’s just shaped a lot differently now. His place in our hearts is now in a different form. It only matters that it is in there and remains so. Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly — all these make for great stories.
Did I do badly unto that man? I absolutely did. I would be a bad person if I didn’t not mourn for my mistakes. If I didn’t correct them. If I didn’t change my behavior. If I didn’t learn from it. If I drew any amount of happiness from my misdoings. I am a good person and I have learned that again. We, as people, are always going to make mistakes. Like I said before, we just make more appropriate mistakes. More logical ones. I was living in a world where nothing was real. The love was a fairytale. The outside was a burning hell. Nothing was relative, and I lost focus of reality. I paid. He paid. We all paid. I only make sure to not do these things unto another.
I have had the most amazing friend by my side through this all. Well two, but one physically. There is so much to be said for someone with no agenda. For someone who doesn’t say what you want to hear. From someone who in fact says what you don’t want to hear on occasion. Someone who will call you out and tell you that were flat wrong for what you did. But to lift you back up and remind you that you are not what you did one time. You are more so a collection of all of the right that you did in that time. That’s who you are. That’s where factuality resides.
Here’s to day three, and almost back to reality. Own what you do, or it will own you. I have learned too much to ever go back. It is important to feel. To feel is to grow. To love is to move. To move is to be free. To be free is what life is all about. Chains can only hold the bird that refuses to fly. The sky is too god damn beautiful for me to never soar and see it all. Do know when I fly in these heights, I still look down and see that puddle of blood. Lest we never forget where we came from, so that we must steer to where we are meant to belong, appropriately so.
God bless everyone for all things big and small. You can get past a mistake, but it’s much harder to get past being a cruel person.
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley