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“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk

I read back on some things today, and I read some statements that were made to me by someone on here. One I brushed under the rug, but in moving on, it is one that needs to be addressed. I vaguely answered. In fact, I had written a blog in September but deleted it before publishing it. I wasn’t ready to cope with it. I am at a better place with it all now. I had to crawl through fire to be ok, but that is exactly what I did. I paid my penance. Penance is a sacrifice, a voluntary punishment to show remorse for a sin. The more grievous the sin, the greater the self-inflicted suffering. For some, the ultimate penance is death. But for others, it simply a means to an end. So in the darkness, and the light of it all; (depending on your particular ideals and perspective) here it is.
“From what I’ve read, you said he loves you as much as you love him, right? Something is unanswered here. Something doesn’t make sense to me. He must have so much pain. He must be hurting. Being with you should be easy. Something broke this boy. Completely. Was it you?”
First of all, I did say that he loved me as I did him; I felt that to be true at that particular point in time. Time and actions have better led me to a more rational view on it.
Something was very unanswered on my blog, at that point in time.
He probably does/did have an extreme amount of pain. Some caused by me, a lot caused by his own self-inflicted wounds. Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.
He was hurting for a reasonable amount of time; I have to take those words of his to be true. It brings no reasoning not to. I cannot speak to the fact that I saw him hurting, but he did say he was, so fair enough. Not my zoo, not my monkeys.
Being with me or anyone in particular, should never be easy. Life is not meant to be easy. It is meant to be fulfilling, but we must work for the things that carry any amount of fulfillment in them. Lots of things are hand given; they usually are of no substance. Kind of an easy come easy go, if you will. I fully believe that being with me is a blessing, it took me a long time to get back to that mindset; but here I am regardless of the time or path taken to feel whole again. In the words of Bob Marley (yes I am a quote whore, better than just being a whore) “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
Was he completely broken? I assure you not. We can get to the point where we feel completely broken, this we all know. If we are alive (he is) if we are breathing (he is) if we are loved (he was) then we are not broken, and not all that is lost is broken.
“Was it me” (who hurt this boy)
Yes. It was. I own everything I ever did to him. I own everything that was ever done to me. There is no fog, it is all very clear where the battle lines were drawn, and the pool of blood is so thick there would not be a height reachable for one to not be able to see it very clearly.
In order to get to the point of where I have sat steadily for a good month now, I had to face some harsh realities. Most of which I have been very upfront on here about. From how much I hurt, to how sorry I am, to how foolish I was, to how in love I was. I have not colored myself as anything other than my truest of selves; throwing all opinions of inner beauty out the window. It is a lack of caring what other people think of me. I never really have cared what other people think of me, it complicates life to a point of pure agony and self-loathing. I cared about what people in his life thought about me. That might have been the first of my trail of mistakes. That was the one that I let consume me, and that was my weight only to carry.
I have never been party to any of the things that happened in that relationship, and it still blows my mind to look back on it all and wonder how I saw it as normal at all. Trust me, I shoulder some blame for what the world became. It was like throwing a cat into the water. The cat is going to be spaz. The cat is going to flip out. The cat is going to act anything but natural. The cat is going to try to save itself by any means needed. When you are thrown into a situation, where the cost is everything that you hold near and dear; I assure you that you will have a fight explode in you that you never even knew existed. It is a fight or flight reaction, and I will always be a fighter, I have never known flight mode until recently.
None of this is here or there.
Back on track, did I hurt him, yes. Yes I did. Did I do it in response to what was done to me? Yes. Yes I did. Did that make it right? Fuck no. it just made two idiots turn into two pissed off idiiots, raising the bar higher each time of “the battle of who could care less.”
There was one major rule broken on both ends. Both of those rules held the fate of all that was. I asked of him to never lie to me. He did. Gasoline poured. He asked me to not let in the various people who wanted him back home. I did. Matches lit. All three people burned. All others in their sadistic paradise for it all. As if it was all a game. As if hearts were merely these little paper dolls that you take down to play with and dress them how you will and put them where you want.
In all of it, I drew back. For a while I drew inward. I shut down completely. I didn’t feel good enough. Why wasn’t I enough? If I wasn’t enough as who I was, maybe I will be this person. This person that I am creating. Maybe she is better. Maybe she is enough. Fuck, now I don’t even know who I am, and this person wasn’t enough either. I became a less than good partner. I didn’t communicate. I drank heavily. I gained heavily. I loved poorly, but I loved tremendously. I just didn’t want to show it anymore. It hurt too much. As if it was hurting less to not show it. Pride my friends. Pride
I then turned my pain outward. I started talking to people that I shouldn’t have been talking to. Just yearning for someone to relate. For someone to remind me that I was good enough. That I was pretty enough. That I deserved love from him. That I deserved truth. That I deserved perfection. Painting myself to be whomever I felt to be that day, never a shred of reality to what I actually was to him. We can tell our sides, but until we tell the only side, the side that has the truth in it, were getting no help of relevance; but we get an ego boost so there’s that I suppose.
I lied to him about where I was. When I was there. I lied to him about what I was doing. Not that I was doing anything bad. It was a power thing, stupid. It was you are not being honest with me about your life, why am I going to tell you what I am doing with mine? Does it matter? You don’t love or respect me anyhow, why does it matter? You want power over me. I won’t give it to you anymore.
I put him in a position to not believe me about certain things, and I am ok with that. When you break a bridge of trust, you can’t be upset when someone doesn’t believe you. You can provide them with all of the facts. That’s all you can do. Hell it got to the point where I was “fabricating my own facts.” Fair enough. Again, I know what is true that leaves my mouth and it is not my job to make anyone believe me. I have lived enough of that. Not being accused of something each day has begun to be the new norm for me again, and I can’t say that I don’t hate it. Always having to stand up for myself for who I was and what I was or was not doing. Again, I put myself in that boat to be mistrusted so I paid the price for it, and I have no problem in that. I am a big girl and am very well versed in the entire cause and effect routine that is life. It is how my life has always ran, this was just a sick a twisted version of that very routine. I had my hand in making it so, and this is about me. Not him.
In this mistrust, ugly things were said about me and how bad of a person that I was and it cost us a child. I did it on my own. I couldn’t bring a child into the world that I was already accused of lying about. That I was threatened it would be taken away. That I should die so that child could live. That it was the worst thing to ever happen. So I did it. I live with it daily and always will. I didn’t want that baby growing up where it was a statue of hate and resentment of the life that he had “to give up to be with me.” I live with enough resentment from my own parents to know that it is not a life. It wasn’t my choice to make, but I did. I cannot take it back.
I cost him his job. When I was delivered news in gboro and I emailed him and received one in return from an email that he told me he deleted. That I knew what he used it for. That the name on it had changed. When I emailed him sitting in that parking lot, I had a shred of thought in my head that “this isn’t true. There is no way this is true. He is trying to right his wrongs. They are just escalating on the things that they are bringing to the table. The price is higher now so the tactics are higher. He wouldn’t do this. Not again.” Ding, email. Fuck. God damn fuck. I wanted to believe you. How did you do this? Why did you do this? Fuck it. I’m leaving my job. I’m selling my car. I am going into hiding and you will never see me again. You don’t get to do these horrible things to me. I wanted to believe you. I wanted to, for once give you the benefit of the doubt and them be wrong. Just once. The name on the email had changed yet again. There you are being someone else else. Someone else to someone new and all I wanted was him to be someone to me. That’s all he was was somebody precious to me. Who he was was so perfectly flawed to me. He was my world. He had his own world. I had to let him have it and start my own.
I cannot explain the escalation of his actions because this is public, and I won’t. I can’t say what he did. I will only say that I was worried about his safety in the mindset that he had spiraled down to. And yes spiraled is a very appropriate word for how fast he got so low into the gutter. He was my fucking star and there he was so far removed from the sky, and liking it. I cost him the rest. I did and I have made my own peace with him about it, and it is ok that he doesn’t make his own. It was because of him that I left my career where I was happy, but it wasn’t my dream so it is not comparable. I didn’t do it out of a place of maliciousness. I, in my fucked up mindset, was trying to save him from himself. It wasn’t my job to. It wasn’t my responsibility to. it was very wrong. I can’t take it back.
I came forth to him of all of my truths and I hold dear to that. I finally let it all out, as the price was already paid. So when asked did I do something to him. Yes. Do I owe him? No. I paid my price. I paid him in offering him my forgiveness and thanking him for all of the good that he brought into my life. I let go of the bad. That’s my payment and I paid it like a lady. I took off my boxing gloves long ago. I have theoretically fought for my family, but have quit delving into fight mode. People either want to be with you or they don’t. That’s the easy part. The hard part is making that decision work. That’s what I do now. It’s all relatable to the positions you put yourself into. I don’t respond to the calls. To the emails. To them going to my mutual friend and starting rumors. I just walk away from all of it as it strikes. I have faith that if I don’t feed it, it will go away.
My love for him or Addison’s love for him never will. It’s just shaped a lot differently now. His place in our hearts is now in a different form. It only matters that it is in there and remains so. Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly — all these make for great stories.
Did I do badly unto that man? I absolutely did. I would be a bad person if I didn’t not mourn for my mistakes. If I didn’t correct them. If I didn’t change my behavior. If I didn’t learn from it. If I drew any amount of happiness from my misdoings. I am a good person and I have learned that again. We, as people, are always going to make mistakes. Like I said before, we just make more appropriate mistakes. More logical ones. I was living in a world where nothing was real. The love was a fairytale. The outside was a burning hell. Nothing was relative, and I lost focus of reality. I paid. He paid. We all paid. I only make sure to not do these things unto another.
I have had the most amazing friend by my side through this all. Well two, but one physically. There is so much to be said for someone with no agenda. For someone who doesn’t say what you want to hear. From someone who in fact says what you don’t want to hear on occasion. Someone who will call you out and tell you that were flat wrong for what you did. But to lift you back up and remind you that you are not what you did one time. You are more so a collection of all of the right that you did in that time. That’s who you are. That’s where factuality resides.
Here’s to day three, and almost back to reality. Own what you do, or it will own you. I have learned too much to ever go back. It is important to feel. To feel is to grow. To love is to move. To move is to be free. To be free is what life is all about. Chains can only hold the bird that refuses to fly. The sky is too god damn beautiful for me to never soar and see it all. Do know when I fly in these heights, I still look down and see that puddle of blood. Lest we never forget where we came from, so that we must steer to where we are meant to belong, appropriately so.
God bless everyone for all things big and small. You can get past a mistake, but it’s much harder to get past being a cruel person.
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley


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