Tough day, despite the lack of sleep, I watch all of my heart stumble into what would be perfection; but is clouded with impending doom. I awoke to a new subscriber this morning, and finished the day with a nasty email. Informative however, so thanks I guess.
I had decided that I was going to start a new blog. I then decided that I had started this three years ago when I underwent some huge life changes and changed my life for the better, in so many ways. A lot of that was me, and a lot was help from a lot of people. It is unfortunate that through jealousy, I took down all of the original postings. They were just the same as these; a gathering of events. It was out of respect that I deleted them, and I don’t regret it. We have to do things to ease the minds of those that we are with. If it doesn’t compromise yourself as a person to do it, then you do it. There is no reason for me to not continue on, and I got a lot of emails from readers to continue; so I do.
There has been a huge fishing expedition going on in my life the last couple of months, and I am hoping that it eases the mind of my new reader to know some of the answers that were sought. I put a lot of things on my blog; they are of thoughts and feelings. I don’t put who or what I do on here, as it is the business of those I share conversations with. I robbed this person of my Facebook posts. It as if my life had become a go to bible for them to need to read each day to make sure that I was indeed away from where I was supposed to be. I will never ease your mind on the subject one way or another, because that is not what my blog is about. I only urge this person to have faith in what they already don’t have faith in. It is easy to live in fear when you came across something in treacherous acts. You have that fear of your truth exposed, a fear of losing something that you didn’t earn honestly. That is for you to live with, and no one else. I didn’t come across him unhonestly. There was some unhonesty in it all, but not in finding and coming to each other, so I never had to live with that fear, and never will. Maybe one day you will know the story of how we met, because I actually have you to thank for it. In short-enjoy your reading, however do know no answers that you seek will ever be on here, and time is better spent loving someone-not nosing around on the internet. I learned that one too late, but my Facebook addiction had nothing on you.
To the one who is gone. From what I have heard, you are gone-and you are not alone in your heart. I hate that this is the choice that you resorted to. You always have had a hard time in being alone, I get that. I lived a few years of not being able to be alone. I will tell you, that year (that I started my blog) that I spent “waiting” on you and refusing to date, I learned way more about myself than I ever would have. My time was filled with running around nonstop (previous blog) I came to realize that some of the things that I thought I enjoyed, I really didn’t. I just enjoyed that I was doing it with someone and not alone. I learned that some of the shows that I snuggled up and watched that I thought I liked, I didn’t. When watched alone, I realized it was about that I had company; they were all interchangeable. It didn’t matter who. I found there was music that I didn’t like. Places. It all led me to a place of finding what I liked. ME as a person. It helped me grow so much because I was able to go in and see who I had actual things in common with. Not similar likes, but actual shared and invested interests. That’s what made our bond more so, they were all the same. Its times like these that I wish I could reflect back on those old blog posts. To remember the struggles I faced when going through that book. To see how hard it was, and to see how long it took for the revelations to hit. Mostly to show you and remind you. We must grow as a person, singular. Otherwise we grow to be somebody for someone else, and then we resent them. Beyond resenting them, we start to lose a bigger part of ourselves and become lost in the whole scheme of it all. Lost souls always wander. I am glad that your soul found a home for a bit, and I saw it shine. I am sorry that I didn’t treat it the exact way I was supposed to. I am. My daughter did, and so for that I have happiness.
It is a rare few in the world at our age that gets a clean slate. A fresh start. Most are married, kids, etc. Mind you, I know that you would rather still be in Winston, and for that I have paid my price, and sorry is not a word that is even applicable. A clean slate is exactly that. The last year was a house of cards. All of it. We should have started different, but we didn’t. A lot could have been different, but it wasn’t. We had our foundation, it was shaky, but it was a start. When I look back on all of the additional cards piled on, it is so easy to see how it collapsed. Mind you, we were doing some internal destruction. We were destructing from the inside because of what the outside was showing us. Telling us. I have said it times before, it was like we were two puppets that a handful of people were playing with, and it wasn’t stable enough to understand that these people had false intentions. 4 in your corner, and 2 in mine. Mind you, mine never went to the extent as yours, but they still played a part. Mine never tried to steer me from you, they were just there like a rat on a cheetoh each time we hit a wall. Yours actively did some of the strangest things I have ever seen to get us away from each other. We could never understand why. What was the point? Then it all started to make sense. I will post the “food chain” on a private blog with the entire structure. (the funniest being moving our trashcans while we were on a date, and knocking and running like children)
It is kind of like the wizard of oz. you see all of these main character’s but when you get down to the raw deal, you see who was steering all of these people into just the right places. Never being seen, but being the one ruling it all. ( I prefer to be Dorothy, because I look good in red)
My point is this, there was one main person who was behind the scenes for all of it, and you openly carry that into your new start. That is going to be something so hard to get rid of when it hits, because it will be all that you have. Knowing you, you won’t get rid of all that you have, so the life fucking will continue. I can tell you, I have done some bad things in my life, but someone who puts this many years’ worth of work into purposefully fucking someone over so that they may find them beat down and broken to have them….has issues. Normal people do not do that. Years of work, to get you to a place. They tried different avenues so many times. You never took any of those advances. Each time they escalated. It is actually humorous to watch the fall off on FB. It was like love just stopped for another the very INSTANT that you got so broke down and alone. To have you, you had to be stripped of it all and to start grasping at straws, and there she is. Of course she is. I think you know a lot of what happened before our break and after, at least I hope that you do. This very bad thing to start new with, out of a control perspective. Whereas you feel like you have lost everything (and my God you have) The perfect control freak in a “relationship” must have that person to themselves. All others are a threat to tear down the smoke and mirrors strategically placed. I had hoped that you would get to said city and flourish, and now it breaks my heart to know that you aren’t going to.
You kind of had it made in this town, as you had a good repor and knew your way around. Even in that you would have some things happen at work sometimes that scared me to death. I worry so much for your safety in a new place. You don’t know the place, or the people, and you don’t have a well-built reputation with them for them to hold forgiveness for you if you do slip up. I know with everything in me that you are very good at what you do. I have told you that many a days when you came home and cried not wanting to do it. I remember you and I having a fight about it. You were going to quit and I told you that you couldn’t. You screamed and yelled at me, that I didn’t know what made you happy and that life was easier at your old job. I told you that I did in fact know what made you happy. It was what you did. That was your life and I wasn’t going to let you just quit when you had not even given it a fair shot. We FOUGHT over this. Eidetic memory of that day on the corner of the couch me sitting in your lap forehead to forehead my hands holding your face. You are one of the few people in this particular line of work that has a heart for it. You have good reasons of wanting to do it, unlike most. It is etched into your soul. This is why I worry. The situation that you take with you is going to cause you so much worry and concern when working. I know you. I know that because of how it started, and because of the cheating you have known on her behalf in the time you’ve known her, and the inappropriate behaviors (with no regard to anyone) that you are going to eat yourself alive when at work of what is going on. You won’t be able to stay on the phone and computer like you could here to ease your mind, and you are going to be distracted, and that scares the shit out of me. Whereas you would have otherwise gone to this town and blown these peoples fucking minds at how great that you are (ensuring yourself at any job in the state within months) you had a chance to go in focused. To know what you want to do in your life, because you lost it before, a and you KNOW it’s what you want. To go and do well. Now you go in distracted. Worrisome. It all makes me so very sad for you. It really does. I don’t know which I feel more of, fear or sadness. Whereas a week ago I was giddy for you in this. I was so proud of you (still am) I said today, he has found a place and he is going to knock it out of the park.
We will wish on stars for you. We will remain background noise. We will pray. I only wish that it had been different for you. I watched you come so far since I met you. You were so shut down. Now you are opened and exposed, to to the very worst person to be exposed to. Not to say she is a bad person, just a bad person of her intentions when it comes to you. Getting to you involved crawling over so many dead bodies, not even a flinch occured. It came so natural. So in all the bad I did, I showed remorse, and my intentions were explained to you. It wasn’t out of malice. This was out of pure malice.
Break down of a sociopath