I read his words over and over and I can’t get it. “I read your blog and you said you love this new boy that he stole your heart.” Those words have not been written or said, so I don’t even know where this comes from. Sometimes I think that he actually believes things like that. That he might honestly think that it said that somewhere. It doesn’t. It does say he has stole my heart, but nothing of love. Figures of speech somewhat. It all goes back to the Rob Thomas song writing thing. When I am not writing anymore, I have found healing. I have stopped writing as much, I have started to heal some; but in that know that there are moments in every single day that I just hurt. That I just cry. That I just go ahead and accept that there is never going to be a time that I will not miss him. Everything about him. The good and the bad that all combine together to become the universe that I was once blessed enough to hold. Briefly.
I have come a long way in the few months, as has he. In saying that, it is that I actually function now. For so long I was paralyzed, and it’s not a figure of speech. There are moments that still hit and I must excuse myself. Here’s the beauty of what the Lord himself led me to find. He placed so many signs in my life for so long. The signs are everywhere. There is never a time that I am somewhere and someone doesn’t play a song that makes me think of him. I swear I have seen more raiders shirts in the last month than I have in my life. Out last night someone had the exact ringtone as him. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I wanted so badly to turn around and it is him, and I still carry that feeling of hope. Maybe the hope is what gets me through. Not hope of reconciliation, but a hope that we may both be ok one day. Better than ok. That there is going to be perfection in our life one day. I have hope that good things happen to good people, and were both living the right way and much more appreciative of what we have, as we felt the loss of everything.
I have been so out of my comfort zone with the things that I now do, but my comfort zone was always him. I needed a complete overhaul in all of my typical behaviors/thoughts. I had to find any way to kick start growth. That’s what I do. It is not what I would have been doing, given the alternative; but it is what I have and it’s working at a slow rate of success. In a late discussion, I referred to all of this being like a baby. It is like I have to learn how to do everything from scratch, and there is nothing more true than that. It’s beyond it being a clean slate feeling, it is more equivalent to everything being wiped out. You rebuild. I am left with not a whole lot to build with other than the love in my heart, and the hope in my soul. Some don’t have either of those, so believe me when I say that I consider myself to be very lucky. We both had the potential to let this kill us. I think we both did for a bit, I can only speak for me. Something wouldn’t let us, so like children we learn to do it all over. We go in with an extreme skill set that I dint think that either of us ever wanted to acquire; must we be fortunate that we have it though? My friend makes fun of me that I always have to find the good in any and everything. I think I have always been that way, but I did lose it for a fair amount of time. I have to shut out the bad at every angle. When it presents itself I have to find the good part of that bad. Even it is just a mere “well I learned that this is bad,” that is the good that I attach to that particular item up for grabs. I found myself at the grocery smiling and humming. I see good all around me. I have not let anything less in, because I can’t afford to see any more bad. In it all though, I see all of this good. Wherein I appreciate, I don’t feel it. There is a smile on my face, but my body feels vacant.
You learn to crawl before you walk. Learn to walk before you fly.
I have to say that I am still at the crawling stage; which, to the naked eye, seems a bad thing. I will take crawling over the sitting stagnant and still. Silver lining.
As far as finding love. It hasn’t happened. I have found someone who offers great conversation, and happens to lack sleep like myself. He has been the first person who actually got my mind off of the situation and I have to say I do believe we met for a reason. I wasn’t even going out that night. I had gone out Friday. I was home in my pjs when my best friend finally talked me into our annual tradition. The rest is where we are today. I have always found that God puts people in our lives just at the right moment. We never know what they are there for. It could be a friendship. It could be more. I don’t have a label for it right now, it is just a good thing; that can be the label. At this point in time, it is all up in the air and I am appreciating it on a day to day basis; not reading into it any more than that. I fear that I have to protect him right now to not get him drug into a mess. It’s not something that I am comfortable with, but it is how I have had to come to live. The ex feels the same way about me, so I (yet again) can relate to him on living with that feeling. It sucks worrying about outside forces when you should just be able to relax and let life happen. He said to me last night, “You are who you are when no one is watching.” I think he thought I died. I sat quiet for what felt like an eternity. I let it sink in. I didn’t give him my thoughts on it, because I have learned that some things I should just keep to myself. So here goes.
You are who you are when no one is watching. So simple, yet it flooded me with so many, not answers, but I don’t know a right word for what it filled me with. It wasn’t peace; it was in fact the opposite feeling. Who I am when no one is watching. If I am really who I am when no one is watching; I am well assured that I am very much still in love.
I would normally say here, my point it this, but there is no point.
I have always told him that he sees my reality in this over the top version that it is not. That I am doing all of these things, and having a ball, and now thinks that I am in love.
I am doing things. I am finding comfort in good distractions. There was a few weeks in the beginning of the break up that I filled my life with horrible distractions. I am far more particular now about what and who I spend my time with now. I have learned the true meaning of time, and only fill it with that of substance. Sometimes I do have fun. Sometimes it is mundane. I have to say through all of the months, the Saturday after my birthday might have been the first time that I went out and actually had a great time. Not an ok time, or just fun. I had a great time and I needed it. It feels good to smile. It feels good to laugh. To feel something besides pain, regret, and hurt.
He is right though.
I am very much in love.
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. When strength has offered up the ability for us to crawl, we must keep moving forward to get to that point to walk. Therein we get to fly. Ive always had a thing for birds. Ive always had a thing for you.
“Maybe my movie isn’t over, I say, because sometimes moviemakers trick the audience with a false bad ending, and just when you think the movie is going to end badly, something dramatic happens, which leads to the happy ending. This seems like a good spot for something dramatic to happen, especially since it’s my birthday.”
― Matthew Quick, the Silver Linings Playbook